Parenting Expert Brenda Nixon

2012-02-07T06:53:00.000-05:00

Divorce is Messy

"One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children," says The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

"While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction." Wrong! This is called emotional incest. Your child is a child and should never take the emotional place of a spouse.

Children misinterpret divorce because they have imagined power and believe they may have caused the adult rift. Often kids will convince themselves that they can make the parents reconcile. Wrong again. It's not a child's responsibility to bring adults back together.

Tuesday morning, February 7, The Parent's Plate radio show kicks around the topic of kids and divorce. I have a guest who came from a unique family life - even by today's standards! I hope you catch the show at togi.us/parents. But if you miss the live airing, you can always go to my host page and click on the show's podcast (at right) or listen on iTunes.

In the meanwhile, here are helpful tips for tackling that tough topic (excuse my alliteration):

Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
Tell your child together with your spouse.
Keep things simple and straight-forward.
Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.

~American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

2012-02-05T01:25:00.004-05:00

Are You a Good Parent?

Do your children know what a good parent is? Most of us have kids who - at times - declare we’re the "worst in the world!" Haha, 've been accused. Occasionally we mumble it to ourselves. Guilty here, too.

My Sunday school class kicked around this topic one morning. A mom confided, “I don’t want my son hanging around that house because I don’t think they’re good parents.”

“Tell your son,” replied another parent.

“He might think I’m criticizing if I say anything about them.”

“Do you say nothing?” wondered one dad.

“But I don’t want to sound like I am perfect,” another joined in.

“We’re afraid of putting other parents down,” echoed some.

“Wait a minute,” I challenged, “It is our job to teach our kids what a good parent is!”

C'mon people, how will our children learn good parenting unless it is modeled and defined? “In the grocery store I show my girls how to pick a ripe melon, what’s a good source of vitamins, to recognize fresh meat,” I continued, “Likewise, it’s my responsibility to teach them to identify a good parent.” This does not mean others are put down, rather it means I help my children learn discernment.

When Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd,” He wasn’t bragging. He was defining. Why? He wanted His followers to spot the model. Because? They would meet many “shepherds” in life and they'd become shepherds themselves. The Good Shepherd educated his flock. Should we do less? He also intended to equip them for their future task. As must we. Jesus clarified, “…the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep,” (John 10:11, AKJV) adding that hired shepherds don’t really love the flock. They’ll run away when predators come, Jesus maintained. Is this a put-down? No. It’s a distinctive difference.

This scripture overflows with lessons. Let’s be students of the Master Teacher. To apply this in the home we can teach our disappointed youngster with, “A good parent says ‘No’ sometimes.” To a frazzled, whining preschooler comment, “Good parents don’t respond when kids whine, use your big boy voice.” Or the ever popular, “Because good parents teach kids to daily brush their teeth.” My husband’s favorite is, “Good dads want to meet the guy their daughter dates.” When my teen challenges me, “Why do you have to know everything, Mom?” She hears, “Because good moms ask where their kid is going, who’s driving, and what’s the plan.”

Of course Jesus’ instruction provoked the Jewish ranks who called Him crazy. So we are not surprised when our - like most typical - kids argue with us. “Oh!” groans my daughter after I’ve said, “Good parents care about which movie you see.” These statements define without criticizing. Let’s tutor our kids in the profession of parenting.

I want my children to recognize qualities of a good parent just as I want them to recognize good food, friendships, decisions, interviews, a career, and life’s mate. It is my prayer that my girls will become parents with conviction and confidence.

They, like us, will not be perfect parents. But by our efforts, and God’s help, they will know how to be good ones. Well, those are my thoughts. What are yours? Feel free to write a comment below or simply click one of the boxes.

2012-02-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

Temperament and Your Child

Temperament is a fascinating subject. I love learning and talking about it to parents because it provides self-awareness; parents gain understanding of their personal behavior as well as their childrearing style.

Knowing about temperament also assists parents, educators, childcare professionals, counselors, therapists, and health care providers who can use this insight to improve understanding of and relationships with children.

Nine categories of temperament traits were identified by researchers Drs. Chess and Thomas.

1. Activity Level:
The general drive of motor activity. Is your child very busy and quick moving or does he have a more relaxed, sedate style?

2. Regularity (also called Rhythmicity):
The predictability of daily functions and how kids organize their behavior. Has your child achieved a biologic rhythm for behaviors such as eating, sleeping, using the toilet or is he unpredictable and random?

3. Approach/Withdrawal:
The initial response to new stimuli. Does he tend to hesitate and shy away from new people or things or is he outgoing, social, and excited by novelty?

4. Adaptability:
How easily a child adjusts to changes or transitions. Is your child a “creature of habit” who resists transition or one who readily “goes with the flow?”

5. Sensory Threshold (also called Sensitivity):
How a person responds to sensations such as touch, taste. Do external stimuli such as loud noises, bright lights, or food textures bother him or does he tend to ignore them? The sensitive child feels the seams in seamless tube socks.

6. Quality of Mood:
Basic disposition regardless of conditions. Does your child express a chronically negative, apathetic outlook or a positive, “sunny” nature?

7. Persistence (Attention Span):
The ability to “stick with” a task even in the face of obstacles. Does your child give up as soon as a problem arises or is he goal-oriented and keep on trying?

8. Distractibility:
How easily a child becomes distracted by surrounding circumstances when engaged in an activity. Is your child easily diverted from what he’s doing, a daydreamer, or is he driven and focused with ability to shut out external distractions?

9. Intensity of Reaction:
The level of response to stimuli. Does he react passionately and with drama to situations or with mild reactions?

Of course, I share with parents that any temperament can become a setback or area of conflict. For example, in a fast-paced, two-working parent home adaptability is valued. Kids with an adaptable temperament can get to the end of the day and quickly adjust to their surroundings. But, those who are slow to make changes can become overwhelmed, resistant. However, DNA isn’t destiny, parents can learn to modify their response to children (nurture) and help them develop within their temperament.

Here’s the important bottom line in my opinion: parents who adjust their responses to meet each child’s individual needs find that each child feels valued, understood, accepted, and respected. When parents respond to kids for who they are, not for what they want kids to be, kids grow up with healthy self-respect and a greater tolerance for the different people who come into their lives. Now isn’t that a beautiful gift to give children?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For more parent empowerment, listen to The Parent's Plate Internet radio show every Tuesday morning, 10 am (EST).

2012-01-31T02:01:00.002-05:00

Is ADD a Pop Diagnosis?

OMG, a Google search for ADD reveals more than 834 million sites/articles! Even Psych Central offers a free quiz to help you determine if you might have ADD and need to see a professional. Is this problem over diagnosed? Is it today's pop-disorder? Is it a crutch for a child's low school performance or a parent's excuse for his/her kid's outrageous behavior?

Born to Explore explains, "Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD/ADHD, is a psychological term currently applied to anyone who meets the DSM IV diagnostic criteria for impulsivity, hyperactivity and/or inattention. The diagnostic criteria are subjective and include behavior which might be caused by a wide variety of factors, ranging from brain defects to allergies to giftedness. ADD, as currently defined, is a highly subjective description, not a specific disease."

Tuesday morning, January 31, Helen Neville, RN reveals amazing facts about Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder on my radio show, The Parent's Plate. Helen will answer question about what medicines do, how do they help or hurt children with ADHD, and discuss the bad side effects.

We welcomes callers 1-877-864-4869 anytime between 10-11 AM (EST), Do you have questions, comments, disagreements, or stories about ADD and ADHD? I hope you'll listen to this powerful and insightful episode and call in to participate!

Helen has terrific drug intel and tips for parents like, what you say to your child about medication. If you miss the live show Tuesday morning, you can still get the valuable information by going to my host page togi.us/parents and click on the show's podcast or listen via iTunes.

2012-01-27T08:41:00.002-05:00

The Development of a Conscience

When a child experiences the results - or consequences - of his behavior, he develops an inner voice. What does that voice say? It tells him that what is "right" brings satisfaction (or pleasure) and what is "wrong" brings dissatisfaction (or pain). The inner voice becomes a moral compass.

Why do some high profile celebs or politicians misbehave? I believe it's because they know they can get away with it. Someone else cleans up their mess, covers up their lies, replaces the money they took or things they've broken. Unfortunately, they've never experienced the consequences of their personal behavior. And the consequence is . . . they have no conscience.

We want educators, politicians, and others held accountable for any inappropriate behavior, right? Then we, as parents, must teach our children about accountability by allowing them to face the results of their behavior - to "own up to" their behavior.

Today, I encourage you to be effective in parenting by providing consistent boundaries and clear consequences for your children's behavior. Then. . . allow consequences to happen.

What do you think? Leave your comment now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't cheat yourself; join me and others for an hour of empowerment every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST), on The Parent's Plate Internet radio show. If you miss a live broadcast, listen to any episode, at your convenience, on podcast or iTunes.

2012-01-23T08:07:00.002-05:00

Sex Trafficking

Children as young as 12-14 years are recruited by pimps to become prostitutes. They are targeted through telephone chat-lines, on the street, at the mall, online, and even by friends at school and after-school activities. This horrid modern-day slavery goes on throughout the world but, also in the United States. All 50 states report human trafficking crimes.

How do you learn or teach your child about, and save your child from becoming a victim of sex traffic? Listen to the Tuesday, January 24th episode of The Parent's Plate radio show! I will interview Kathi Macias, author of Deliver Me from Evil, who exposes this plight and admits this was the hardest book she'd ever written.

Kathi will reveal how prevalent human trafficking is in the United States, share why so few attempt escape, and some guidelines parents must know to protect their child from getting caught up in this deadly trap. Educate yourself and save your child; make a note to listen to this powerful episode of The Parent's Plate Tuesday morning, 10 am (EST). If you must miss the live show, come back later at your convenience and listen to it on podcast.

2012-01-21T01:46:00.005-05:00

Drawing a Line in the Adult Sand

"I'm 21; I'm an adult now!" he protested to his mom.

What makes an adult? Is it age? Hardly! Being an adult means maturity in decision-making, considering sound opinions, accepting accountability for behavior, becoming emotionally graceful and patient with others, accepting your own fallibility and mortality, plus a realism about life. While I've seen 18-year-olds who are (or have been forced to be) adults; I've met 30-year-olds who are not!

So, as a parent, when do you back off and let your child be an adult? And what does that "backing off" look like? What if you see the oncoming train wreck? Do you remain mum? It's not easy knowing when your child is an adult because it is a character issue. It takes time to ripen into adulthood and, for parents, it takes time to see this growth and arrival. Hopefully, during the young years we've taught our child to gradually accept responsibilities, and have opportunities to fail so he/she learns.

Any loving, responsible parent will nurture an involvement and show interest, in his/her children regardless of age. The opposite of love is not hate - it's indifference. So, this blog is for those who get the condescending, critical, and disapproving comments from other people who think parents are stifling their kids because they continue to ask questions and show interest later in life.

I recently had conversation with a young gal - probably 25-years-old - who made repeated references to me that my daughter "was an adult" when I inquired about her situation. Well, let's look at it this way, I've invested time, energy, support, finances, prayer, and tears for many years over my daughter. I love her and care what happens. We enjoy honest communication and a relationship. And frankly, I resent an outsider - someone who has no investment to lose - making innuendos that I'm not accepting my daughter as an adult because I'm curious about a situation in her life. It's easy for people to raise eyebrows and criticize parents. I'd really like to ask this young lady - who couldn't understand since she isn't a mom - if my apathy would prove I recognize my daughter as an adult? She probably thinks emotional distance translates to a healthy parent/child relationship.

Gradually we must back off and let our kids grow up; give them wings. But that doesn't mean completely withdrawing from their life. You don't withdraw from your friends to prove you accept them as adults, do you? You still care, question, have opinions, and look out for their welfare (if you're a true friend). I'd love to know your thoughts. Where do you draw a line in the adult sand? Or what comments have you withstood when you questioned, wondered, worried, or had an opinion about your grown-up offspring?

2012-01-10T03:33:00.003-05:00

in Control or under Control?

To be successful in life, all children must learn appropriate ways to:

meet their needs,
relate to others,
express themselves,
restrain impulses,
channel emotions,
respond to frustration, and
make right and healthy choices.

Good discipline teaches a child to act appropriately - not because he/she is told to, but because he/she wants to. How do you motivate a child to self-control? One way is by allowing consequences to happen.

In The Birth to Five Book, I share a story about my Laura who was not being self-controlled about getting ready for school. One morning I told her that she must be dressed when her bus arrives or she'll have to dress on the bus. When the bus pulled up and tooted its horn, Laura was . . . almost dressed . . . she only needed her shoes and socks. I put those items in a bag and handed it to her so she could finish dressing on the bus. Did it make her uncomfortable? Um, yes. Did I feel like a mean mom? Right again. But it taught Laura that I meant what I said and to take responsibility for dressing every morning. Never again did Laura dawdle around in the morning. And I never again had to nag her, "get dressed" or "hurry up."

When children experience the consequence of their behavior, it makes an deep impact. It causes them to be accountable – “own” - their behavior. If the consequence is positive, they’re motivated to repeat the good behavior. If the consequence is negative (Laura dressing on the bus), they’ll likely choose different behavior next time. Children learn to be responsible and self-regulated when they are allowed to experience the consequence of their behavior.

Today - and everyday - your discipline goal is to:

teach your child to self-control.

You can do that by allowing consequences to happen. Eventually, you can rest assured that your child will act in appropriate ways even when he/she isn't under your control.

2012-01-02T06:27:00.000-05:00

Disciplining Other Kids

How many times do you wish you could say something to a misbehaving child in your home, at the store, doctor's office, or in the mall?

It's difficult to meet the challenge because (1) the parent may get angry with you or (2) the disrespectful child may holler back, "I don't have to mind you."

People repeat that adage, "It takes a village to raise a child" but a rare few want to take on the responsibility of correcting inappropriate behavior of other people's kids.

Personally, I think there are times when other adults must get involved. Especially when a child is acting inappropriate and the parent doesn't have a clue or is absent. It could be a safety issue.

I've been the parent whose kid was acting up (yes!) but I didn't know. Then when a parent came to me with an explanation and told me why they corrected my kid, I thanked them. My eyes cannot be everywhere. So what do YOU think? Get involved or not? Leave your comment and let's start a lively discussion.

2011-12-26T06:40:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year

It's almost here! Thanks for reading my blog. You’re welcome to share it via Twitter, Facebook, or forward to someone who may benefit from it too. This year, I hope you'll encourage soon-to-be or new parents with a gift copy of The Birth to Five Book, available online at http://bit.ly/6KMItC or get signed copies from me. To receive a signed copy mail $12 (incl S&H) to me at: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Hurry, this offer ends at the end of January.

Now, what's your New Year discipline resolution?

Not screaming.

More patience.

Set boundaries . . . and keep 'em!

Teach self-controlled behaviors.

Get my kid toilet trained.

Make 'em listen to me.

Show that I love them even if they think I'm mean.

Move my teen out of the house.

Does one of the above fit your discipline goal for the new year or do you have your own?

When I was a new mom, one of my parenting goals was to practice discipline with an instructive attitude. I didn't adopt the attitude that my kids were in a me-against-you war. Rather I tried to maintain the attitude that they needed my help to know right from wrong, how to gain satisfaction in appropriate ways, and how to succeed in life through appropriate talk and behavior.

Have you thought about your goal in discipline? I'd love to hear it. Leave your comment below and tell me what you'll strive for in the coming year.

©Copyright, 2011, Brenda Nixon. The Birth to Five Book available Amazon.com. Follow my work and life in 140 characters on Twitter.

2011-12-22T01:00:00.004-05:00

How do you "teach" Christmas?

Since discipline is about teaching; I encourage you to "teach" your value of Christmas through your behavior and words. In today's blog I want to share ways parents and others teach kids about Christmas. Two weeks ago, I tweeted asking followers to share how they celebrate. Below are some of those wonderful replies;

Sara in Iowa wrote, "On Christmas morning, we enjoy our OWN little family, at home as we open our gifts together. When we feel like getting out of the house, we go over to Jim's Mother's house to do our gift exchange there.
Then later on Christmas day, all of Jim's family that is in town is always invited over to Jim's Mom's to just hang out. We usually wind up going out to the sledding hill and everyone gets to have fun--young and old. (I usually am the one taking the pictures.) And we hang around with Jim's family all day until we are ready to go home and crash.
And somewhere among the weeks leading up to Christmas, we always try to get out to the famous local Kirsten's Christmas lights (just north of Vinton). Payton (our son) really enjoys that."

Terry, grandma to a 5-year-old tweeted, "Our family gets together at 3:00 at my sisters to celebrate Christmas Eve. She will supply a ham and the rest of us all bring a dish to share. We sing the 12 Days of Christmas together as a family (with Mitch Miller) in the background to keep us in tune. There are many cookies, candlelight and laughs. This year we will celebrate the birth of a new baby boy who will be 1 week old on Christmas- Caleb. After the celebration my husband and I go to Midnight Mass and than turn in to wait for Christmas Day and celebrate Christ's birthday."

Lois, a VA follower replied, "One of my favorite ways we celebrate Christmas is by using an Advent Calendar. Each homemade felt ornament goes along with scripture verses - all telling the story of Christmas. My favorite ornament is a Jack-in-the-box, depicting the rapture of Jesus Christ. When our children were home, we put a piece of candy in each pocket for the five of us."

Ann of NY shared, "We celebrate Christmas by having the kids put together the tree, and Mom puts on the lights. On Christmas Day, we all wait until everyone is awake, and we all go downstairs to open presents at the same time. We eat Orange Danish with Grandma for breakfast, and then spend the rest of the day visiting with family. I hope that you have a blessed Christmas."

I echo Ann, by hoping each of you has a blessed Christmas ~ there's always something to celebrate.

2011-12-20T05:37:00.002-05:00

Look at Me

One of my pet peeves is talking to a person who looks over my head (that's easy, I'm short) or at his watch and acts as if something - or someone else - is more important. I feel devalued, useless, invisible.

It's painful when people we love don't listen to us. But, do we do that to children? Do we make them feel as if our agenda is more important than what they have to share?

In your daily discipline, remember to look at your child - not over his head. Eye contact sends a powerful message that he is worthwhile and worthy of your time. Remember the old adage, "The eye is the pathway to the heart."

So what's one of your pet peeves. Feel free to comment below.

2011-12-12T01:18:00.004-05:00

Notice the Negative but avoid Negative Thinking

"He stomps on the floor."
"She resists doing one simple chore!"
"He cries when he can’t have a toy."
"She's moody."

You’re not responsible for every random thought that pops in your head, only ones you entertain. To think, “That child is rude” may enter your mind and probably do little harm. Maybe she is being rude or selfish. You might have made an accurate observation of childhood behavior. But adding more to your observation, “And she’s such a BRAT,” or “I CAN'T that kid!” starts a cycle of negative thinking that impairs your skillful response.

To notice the floor is filthy may be a factual observation. To add, “Why is everyone here so lazy?” begins a negative thinking cycle interfering with your relationships and performance. Sweeping the floor clean is to take corrective action.

Likewise, noticing a child’s behavior is a certain way, is not negative thinking. But do you stew on that assessment? Do you label the child based on behavior? Do you harbor an attitude against her? Or do you stop your thought there and positively confront and correct the inappropriate behavior?

As a childcare professional or parent, it’s critical to know the distinction between a negative thought and negative thinking. You control your thinking. Don't let it control you and how you discipline.

The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available online http://is.gd/jaTZ or get signed copies by mailing me $12 per book (U.S. orders only) at: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050.
Finally, for fun facts follow me on twitter .

2011-12-02T05:48:00.006-05:00

Change Your Environment

Changing or modifying a child's play or living environment can be a useful tool in helping them develop self-control. It's especially effective on younger children.

What happens when you change a child's environment? It can prevent difficulties from arising as well as done in response to a problematic behavior.

Below is a list for building success into a child's environment. Think of some concrete examples or ideas for every category that you may use. Be creative in how you wish to modify the environment to help promote the child's self-control.

ORGANIZING helps children learn how to sort, pick up, and find their own things. Organizing increases the child's ability to accomplish self-care tasks. When my daughters were young, I put their books on a lower shelf so they were all together, easy to find, and easy (hopefully for them) to pick up and reshelf.
ENHANCING the environment involves those activities that make your child's world full of age-appropriate and interesting items. Think of most daycares or preschools where age-appropriate chairs, sand tables, posters, books, wall hangings, and toys are available to children and enrich their curiosity and learning. Is there a way you can rearrange your child's bedroom to help him learn how to spend time alone, occupy himself, develop hobbies, focus, and concentrate?
SOOTHING is a technique used most often with babies. Simply remove sources of stimulation like the TV or bright lights or bright colors from the environment. When I taught preschool and the children would become over-active, loud, or aggitated, I'd simply lower the lights. By doing so, they'd quiet. Then I could give my instructions in a quieter voice (never add to the volume by screaming over their voices!). What stimulation can you remove today?

-- this is good discipline.

Remember children's "bad" behavior can be avoided or eased through modifying your (their) environment.

Looking for an insightful, practical, and easy read on parenting issues? Try The Birth to Five Book, available on Amazon or buy an autographed copy from me! If you mail $12 (U.S. orders only) to me: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050, I'll sign & send a book to you.

2011-12-01T01:34:00.002-05:00

So What Do You Do?

Since discipline is about teaching; I want to share some of the ways parents and others teach kids about Christmas. I invited readers to send me an email sharing how they celebrate. Below are some of those wonderful emails received;

Christine, a Discovery Toys consultant, shared, "My family starts our celebrations with a skating party on December 24th. My sister and her husband rent a rink and we all go for the fun! Then we go to my parents and visit for the afternoon, open our gifts, have dinner, and attend a Christmas eve service at our Church. We then come back to my house to play games and visit some more."

Simone in Australia wrote, "We have a lovely tradition we do Christmas Eve. We live on a small acreage and have numerous animals, but we do have a donkey and so Christmas Eve at dusk we all go out to our 'stable' where our donkey is tethered, my dolly when I was 6 is wrapped in beige pillowcases and we all listen on a tape the story of 'The Small One', about the donkey's purpose at Christmas time. It is quite magical."

Carrie emailed from New Jersey, "Our annual Christmas Eve service and buffet after is always special. Our son who is in the Marines is able to come home and be with us this year, so we are excited to have him there. Then on Christmas Morning we will all be at our house for a special breakfast complete with fruit salad, scrambled eggs, sausage, and my homemade cinnamon rolls. Then we open gifts, visit, play games, call relatives and enjoy the day together. In the afternoon we have dinner with our dear friends and partners in ministry."

Avery in Oklahoma is just starting her "teaching" as she said, "What do we do for Christmas? Typically we go to my aunt's house for a huge family gathering. This year we will add one more to the group, my newborn (and first born) Abigail!"

Thanks to those who emailed with your Christmas celebration traditions. Good teaching - or should I say good discipline?! See, discipline can be a positive thing!

FYI, The Birth to Five Book is available at Amazon + you can order signed copies from me (if you like author autographs) by sending $12/book to me at: P.O. Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050. As soon as I receive your order/payment I'll sign & send you my book. (US orders only, no international sales at this price.) The Birth to Five Book makes an impressive & useful baby shower gift!

Finally, follow my work & life in 140 characters at http://www.twitter.com/BrendaNixon.

2011-11-29T06:21:00.002-05:00

I'm departing from my blog on child discipline to share a new review of my co-authored holiday book, A Scrapbook of Christmas Firsts.

Susanne Lakin posted this insightful review on Amazon, and I want to share it with you. (She writes Christian fairy tales/fantasy under the name C.S. Lakin.) Here's her review of "Scrapbook of Christmas Firsts" on Amazon:

"This delightful, creative gift book is chock full of personal memories, thoughts about Christmas, recipes, anecdotes, traditions, and Scripture. Some of the simple stories and verses brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart. I read this book in August--as far from the Christmas holiday as could be, yet I found it worked a wonderful magic in my heart, ...

This is a terrific book to give as a gift to just about anyone. The scrapbook theme and layout makes it perfect for picking up and reading just a few pages at a time. Every home should have a copy sitting out on their coffee table year-round!"

Buy it now as a gift to yourself or for someone special! Available on Amazon.com & book stores.

2011-11-15T07:09:00.007-05:00

Model What You Want

Everyday you teach - sometimes in words but, more often in your behavior. For example, when kids see you read a book, they learn that you value literacy. Likewise, when they see your patience with a painfully slow sales clerk, they learn tolerance.

Nearly 80% of what children learn is from what they see acted out before their eyes - they're visual learners!
Want generous kids? Give help/money to people.
Want your kids to respect the teacher? Show respect him/her.
Want your kids to listen to you? Listen to them.

In your daily discipline remember, actions really do "speak" louder than words.

My friend bought a copy of The Birth to Five Book for her niece who had her first baby. A mom read one of my online articles and ordered a copy. I signed a gave one to a couple having their first baby. Do you need a long-lasting Baby Shower gift or want empowerment on raising your toddler or preschooler? Get The Birth to Five Book, available on Amazon http://is.gd/jaTZ or order signed copies from me. To get a signed book, mail $12* (incl S&H) to me at: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Hurry, this offer ends on January 30, 2012.

©Copyright, 2011 Brenda Nixon.
*U.S. orders only. Sorry, I can't ship international.

2011-11-09T03:00:00.002-05:00

Get Better Behavior from Your Words

Early in my parenting career, I thought I was being a great, positive mom when I smiled and said to my daughter, "Good girl" at her appropriate behavior. Later I smartened up - learning that my vague comment did little good - what's "good" about a good girl? I learned that naming her cooperative behavior was more helpful and taught her which behavior was pleasing. For example, "I like the way you picked up toys" was more specific than "good girl."

"I like the way you work quietly" helped my daughter repeat her quiet behavior more than if I'd said, "good girl." Using words to describe her appropriate behavior made a healthier, positive mom/daughter relationship. Plus our home was more positive because she knew what appropriate behaviors to repeat.

In your daily discipline, remember to use specific words to encourage a child's appropriate behavior. For example, it's more helpful to say, "I like the way you pick up toys," or "Thanks for sitting down," rather than, "Good girl!" The latter is vague and doesn't give the child helpful feedback. Kids need to hear what they do right so they can repeat it.

In your daily discipline, acknowledge your child with comments that are specific and help your child learn what's appropriate behavior, then you'll see better behavior.

©Copyright, 2011 Brenda Nixon. Need a long-lasting Baby Shower gift? Give The Birth to Five Book, available on Amazon http://is.gd/jaTZ.

2011-11-07T10:58:00.001-05:00

Why Do Kids Do That?

When my girls were young, they often asked, "Why Mom?" Sometimes I thought my ears would bleed from overuse!

Ever notice the first "bye-bye" wave of a baby is backward - like he's waving at himself?

Have you walked through a mall and watched stroller-restricted toddlers drop their pacifier or toys?

Truth is; kids are natural born learners. Babies imitate what THEY see and wave back from their perspective. Toddlers are learning to control their grip and release.

So what does this have to do with discipline, Brenda? Much of a child's behavior is NOT to get on your last nerve; it's a part of normal development. When we understand growing children go through stages of development, which brings with it some annoying behaviors, we can adapt our expectations and discipline.

Remember, kids can be wild, whiny, and wasteful. They must be taught to calm, talk in a "big" voice or to reuse. Today, I encourage you to remember that some of what your child is doing might be a time-limited, developmental phase. In your discipline (teaching correct behavior) remember to remain:

Instructional
Patient
Kind
Consistent
Loving
Generous
Proactive
Self-controlled
Understanding
Encouraging

Need a long-lasting, quality Baby Shower gift? Give The Birth to Five Book available on Amazon

2011-11-02T10:45:00.005-04:00

Cabin Fever?

This time of year when gray skies and cold temps keep most kids indoors, cabin fever sets in. The fever causes misbehavior because kids are antsy, bored, whiny and easily upset. You might see more sibling rivalry or tattling. If you're feeling the walls closing in on your family and misbehavior mounting, try this therapeutic activity: Enjoy an indoor picnic.

Picnics elicit fond outdoor memories. Talk to your kids about picnics they remember. Who was there? Where was the picnic? What'd they eat? Share your childhood memories of picnics, too!

Hold your picnic today, at an indoor "beach" and wear summer clothes. Use a basket and beach blanket. Sit on the blanket in your living- or family room; munch on picnic-type foods. Talk about birds and nature. Read books or sing songs together; if you have a young tot, sing the Teddy-bear picnic song.

Spending uninterrupted time with kids can help ease their stress and you'll see better behavior. Plus you'll fortify physical skills like eye-hand coordination; cognitive skills through problem solving; language skills by talking, and social/emotional skills through the art of pretend -- this is good discipline.

Remember "bad" behavior can be avoided or improved through productive play.

The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available online http://is.gd/jaTZ or buy signed copies from me by mailing $12 per book (U.S. only) to: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Finally, for fun, fast facts follow me on twitter .

2011-10-31T06:35:00.002-04:00

Let's Have Some Fun!

Parenting is much too serious a profession to be taken seriously all the time.

That's a sentence I read somewhere - by someone - and don't know who to credit. But the truth of it rings true. We all want to be good parents (or childcare professionals) but, we must remember to keep the humor alive. See some of the silly, goofy things your kids do and chuckle about it. Not only is humor good for the soul, it also relieves some tension in bringing up kids.

2011-10-17T11:37:00.013-04:00

Parenting Values

Each family unit and culture has a value system. And just as there's no one "right" way to discipline, I maintain there's no one "right" way to raise children. Choose what you want.

However, my heart aches when I see American writers and their publishers perpetuate a one-sided, romanticized view of a culture that - by and large - has children because it's required by tradition, often views women as persons "to breed," neglects teaching daily hygiene, does not nurture a close relationship with children, requires parental obedience to the point that children cannot question incest, withholds verbal or physical affirmation, uses whips and belts in corporal punishment, prohibits children from learning beyond 8th grade, raises kids to fail outside their own culture (for some, no birth certificate exists), and in the most conservative groups practices the emotional torture of shunning children who disobey or leave their community. I'm talking about the Amish culture. And I've seen books showcasing only the best qualities of the Amish, which is fine but one-sided.

Now I recognize that many authors are somewhat acquainted with progressive sects (there are more than 15), and paint a romanticized sweeping image of the "simple" life. But just use caution because any family, culture, society has some dysfunction; none is perfect.

If you truly aspire to make Amish family values your own, do not shave any part of your body, hug your children, take them regularly to the dentist, or send them to college. Read your Bible in German ("the true language"), suppress your feelings and opinions, and discourage independent thinking. And be sure to impose conformity at the cost of community discipline. Many Amish children are empty, lonely, confused, sad, suppressed and struggle with the ability to bond due to a minimal relationship with their parents. A more thorough look into that culture's "family values" keep me from admiring them or making them right for my family.

Now before you ask, "Why do you think you have the right to counter most of the public's admiration of the Amish?" I work intimately with a service to Amish, am the English (non-Amish) mom to a son who is shunned by his "loving" Amish family, have a dear son-in-law whose father is an Amish Bishop, and I live in Ohio home to the largest number of Amish settlements nationwide. On a daily basis I interact with precious former-Amish who, after realizing we value human emotions, and invite transparency and honesty in communication, tell it like it is . . . and was for them. Have I received harsh criticism and unjust treatment from authors, their agents, and publishers who don't appreciate my experiences or me sharing what's inside the image? You bet! But the point here is, be wise when you feel persuaded to make an idealized value system your own.

Bottom line: For your child's health, safety, and emotional maturity, I encourage you to hug and touch your child; the human body was made to respond to touch. The metabolism of preterm infants increases when they experience skin-to-skin contact from parents. I suggest giving your child opportunities to choose; children who are allowed to choose colors and clothes and participate in some decision-making have more confidence. I hope, if you value learning, you welcome your child's questions and attempts to seek knowledge. And I deeply yearn for parents to give unconditional love; that means you may not like your kid's behavior but you always love and support them. Enjoy the freedom to choose how you express these fundamental childrearing skills.

Now that's good parenting!

2011-10-15T02:33:00.002-04:00

Random Discipline Thoughts

My office receives many emails & phone calls about discipline - it's a hot, continuous issue with parents! Over the years I've answered so many questions that I've a 1-hr CD called "Creative Discipline" available.

Here, I want to share random thoughts on discipline. So whether you're reading this as a grandparent, a childcare provider, social worker, or a parent, let one of these thoughts inspire you this week:

Kids gone wild? How do you teach a child to be self-controlled? My answer, be in charge of yourself and model how to behave. When kids see you control your emotions during frustrating times, they learn that skill too.

Want to raise responsible kids? Model personal responsibility. Let your children hear you say, "That's my job," or "That's what I must do." Without responsibility, kids gradually lose self-respect. When my daughters were young, the older one used to tattle, "Mom, Laura is _________ (fill in the blank)." I'd gently remind her, "It's my job to parent Laura, I'll take care of it my way." Kids need a parent who is their ally. Even when they are acting the most unlovable, try to understand them and show you love them in spite of their difficult behavior.

How do you be a hero to kids? Model integrity. Also read lots of good ole fashioned fairy tales. Why? Fairy tales provided examples of heroes and values.

Give forethought to how you'll handle a discipline situation. Too many parents are unprepared and end up reacting. Rather, mentally rehearse so you can be proactive in your teaching.

Many parents (and grandparents) tell me about a strong-willed child. Here's something you may know but, it'll serve as a reminder: despite their will power, they don't want to be in charge. It frightens children when they feel the adult isn't in charge. And just because they have a strong will doesn't mean you have to cave in.

If you want to order a Creative Discipline CD, send $10 (U.S. orders only) to me: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Hurry, only a few remain.

2011-10-13T03:15:00.002-04:00

You Want me to Discipline You?

In the grocery store, I overheard a frazzled mom ask her kid, "You want me to discipline you?"

Well duh, I thought, like any kid is gonna say, "Sure, Mom, bring it on! Curtail my behavior. Thwart my agenda."

I wonder how many times we waste words when frustrated. Like how many times have you heard...or uttered..."I'm gonna put you out here along the roadside" or "I'll slap that smirk off your face." One of my friends had the habit of shouting, "I'll knock you into the middle of next week."

"You can raise yourself - I quit."

I've probably said many meaningless expressions in moments of childrearing mayhem. Even though we chuckle about it, kids learn quickly when parents or teachers say idle, unenforceable threats. Plus it's a waste of our energy. It's better to channel our energy into meaningful and enforceable discipline.

Today, I encourage you to be mindful of what you say when confronting misbehavior.

Share a discipline story, funny meaningless phrase, or ask me a discipline question any Tuesday morning on my radio show, The Parent’s Plate 877-864-4869.

Remember, The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available at Amazon http://is.gd/jaTZ or you can buy signed copies from me, $12/book, by mailing your order/payment: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050 (U.S. only).

And keep up with me on Twitter .

2011-10-10T01:07:00.005-04:00

You Change First

Parents (and teachers) often tell me that whatever they do, their kids won't behave. After a bit of dialog I usually hear, "Well, I always . . . . "

If you "always" respond a certain way to misbehavior and your children's behavior doesn't change, you need to try a different response. Funny, when adults change first, the child changes. If your children yell and you always yell back, the cycle continues. But if you whisper you'll probably see a startle reaction and then hear their lowered voice in return. If you always nag when they dawdle, try calmly setting a consequence and give yourself emotional distance. If they continue to dawdle, allow the consequence to happen (no rescuing) and you'll see a change in behavior.

Disciplining children sometimes calls for a new strategy to change habitual behavioral problems. In your daily discipline, remember:

Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

And remember this, my book The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available online http://is.gd/jaTZ or you can order signed copies from me for $12/book (includes free S&H & just for U.S. orders). Simply send your order/payment to me at: P.O. Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050. As soon as I receive your order, I'll sign/send your book!

Finally, follow me on Twitter http://www.twitter.com/BrendaNixon.

2011-10-09T18:34:00.005-04:00

The American Dream?

Today our pastor gave a terrific sermon about parenting. Part of it included an interesting challenge about God's Dream vs. the American Dream for your child. I want to adapt some of what he said.
Often in our parenting we think - or dream - about what our kids will become in life. Some parents are guilty of pushing their child to follow a particular profession. Some parents live vicariously through their child and push him/her into a certain career. Some dream the American dream of their child doing better, having more, and living higher than the parent. However, I think wise parents don't entertain the American dream but focus on character qualities - who our children become rather than what they do. Why? Because it teaches our kids that we love them whatever they choose to study or become.
So what are the inner qualities that can make your child successful regardless of the American dream career? How about these: determination, honesty, responsibility, self-control, thoughtfulness. |
Determination will keep your child motivated even in the face of difficulties or interruptions. Honesty will make your child one with integrity who others trust (plus able to live with his/her conscience). Responsibility will help your child behave the "right" way even when you (or school officials, police, the job's boss) aren't around to supervise & properly response-abled to life situations. Self-control will keep your child on task (like school work or a job) and a healthy role model to your grandchildren. Thoughtfulness will make your child think of others first to create a better world.
I remember my sister-in-law once told me, "I just want my kids to be good and kind." She entertained no aspirations for what they did in future careers because that wasn't as important to her as what her kids were. Guess what? Her first became a school teacher, her second is a CPA, and her third is a special education tutor. And each is polite and pleasant to be around!

Just think, as a parent, YOU have the ability to model character qualities so your child will learn them too. And that is good discipline!

2011-10-01T01:26:00.003-04:00

Effective Discipline

Want to be effective in your discipline? Need help getting your point across? Want to regain control? From my friends at the Child Welfare League of America, here's a list of the what's needed for effective discipline. Many of these I have addressed in my weekly Discipline Tip you receive. I challenge you to print out this list and put it on your bathroom or bedroom mirror, in the kitchen and in the car. Effective discipline requires:

Patience;

Determination;

Confidence;

Genuineness and concern;

Openness;

Separateness;

Friendly firmness;

An understanding of development & the factors that affect development;

Thorough communication; and

An understanding of the goal of discipline.

In daily discipline -- consider these skills and qualities. Do you have what it takes to be an effective disciplinarian?

2011-09-30T01:17:00.005-04:00

Discipline or De-Stress?

My colleague, Michele Borba who regularly gives advice on the TODAY SHOW, wrote on her blog, "This week the American Psychological Association (APA) released troubling survey results about our kids. The Stress in America, 2009 survey was of 1206 young people ages eight to seventeen as well as 1568 adults. It was conducted this summer by Harris Interactive. The report, building on past research, revealed that stress is a top health concern for American teens between 9th and 12th grade.

Among key findings: parents underestimated the level of their kids stress. Translation: Our kids are much more stressed than we think. (I say, Yikes!)

31% of parents say their child has little or no stress vs. 9% of kids report little or no stress
Tweens (30 percent) and teens (42 percent) say they get headaches vs. 13 percent of parents
Tweens (39 percent) and teens (49 percent) cite difficulty sleeping vs. 13 percent of parents
Tweens (27 percent) and teens (39 percent) report eating too much or too little vs. 8 percent of parents

What's more, tweens and teens were far more likely than their parents to report that their stress levels had increased in the last year."

Thanks Michele. To piggy-back on her post, I want to alert you that kids will act out stress through sleep disturbance, aggressive, infantile or regressive behaviors like bed-wetting and thumb-sucking. The frequency and intensity of these behaviors, suggest the stress intensity.

In daily discipline -- look behind a child's behavior. Could it be he needs destressed rather than disciplined? How can you calm the environment, create structure where there is none, sweeten your response, be available for counsel, inject humor, or model how to cope with stress? Often kids don't need more discipline, they need destressed.

Hey, remember to get your hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host. I'm on live every Tuesday morning at 10 am (EST) but if you must miss a live show, click on "Recent Shows" in the right column to hear any topic of interest.

2011-09-26T05:38:00.000-04:00

Messages We Send

Months ago I tweeted about the words we say to children. Often we're innocent to the discouraging messages behind our words and, over time, those messages have a collective, disheartening effect on kids.

Consider these common (I've said 'em, too!) statements:

"Be Careful!" could send the message, "The world is a scary place."

"Shame on you!" could send the message, "Discourage yourself."

"Be nice" may be heard as, "You're not usually nice."

"Stop being so sensitive" can mean, "Don't express your emotions" or "Don't feel."

Here are positive - or encouraging - words that mean the same but send a different message:

Rather than "Be Careful!" say, "Take care of yourself."

Instead of, "Shame on you!" say, "I've made bad choices too."

Replace, "Be nice" with "Make sure your friends win too."

For "Stop being so sensitive" say, "I like that you're listening to your feelings."

None of these condone inappropriate behavior. But they do make your guidance more of a teaching tool.

In your daily discipline ~ reframe your words to send uplifting messages. You aren't diluting your authority, you're doing it with a powerful, positive attitude.

Remember, click on your pc to The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host! I'm on "live" every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) but you can hear ANY show ANYTIME by clicking Recent Shows on the right column at my host page.

2011-09-24T05:11:00.003-04:00

I Like It!

"Brenda, how do I get my kids to mind?"

"Welcome to the club. All kids push the envelop. But, more important, sometimes they aren't sure what it is you want from them or how to please you."

It's helpful - and clear - to make children aware of how you feel when you want them to do something. For example, "I want you to pick up the trash." Leave responsibility for behavioral change with them and see what happens. Often they'll obey because they know exactly what you want from your "I message."

Likewise, you can say something like, "I like it when you chew with your mouth closed." Here, you've clearly expressed what makes you happy (and kids usually want to please parents or their caregiver) in a positive discipline technique. A proper "I message" identifies: the behavior - such as chewing - how it makes you feel - happy.

With young children, keep your "I message" short and simple, "I want you to ...." With teens, you can expand with something like, "When your music is on that loud I get upset because I can't hear who I'm talking to on the phone." Rather lengthy, but it clearly identifies the problematic behavior and how it impacts you. Again, leave responsibility for behavior change with them.

In your daily discipline, I encourage you to be precise and clear when correcting behavior. After all, I like it when you practice positive discipline because it makes me feel I'm building stronger families. *grins* Hey, remember to get your hour of empowerment by listening to my show, The Parent's Plate on your computer. Just click http://www.toginet.com/shows/theparentsplate. You can hear ANY show topic by clicking on Recent Shows (on right column).

2011-09-23T06:23:00.002-04:00

Messages We Send to Kids

Months ago I tweeted about the words we say to children. Often we're innocent to the discouraging messages behind the words and - over time - those messages have a collective, disheartening effect on kids.

Consider these common (I've said 'em, too!) statements:

"Be Careful!" could send the message, "The world is a scary place."

"Shame on you!" could send the message, "Discourage yourself."

"Be nice" may be heard as, "You're not usually nice."

"Stop being so sensitive" can mean, "Don't express your emotions" or "Don't feel."

Here are positive - or encouraging - words that mean the same but send a different message:

Rather than "Be Careful!" say, "Take care of yourself."

Instead of, "Shame on you!" say, "I've made bad choices too."

Replace, "Be nice" with "Make sure your friends win too."

For "Stop being so sensitive" say, "I like that you're listening to your feelings."

None of these condone inappropriate behavior. But they do make your guidance more of a teaching tool.

In daily discipline -- reframe your words to send encouraging messages. You aren't diluting your authority or discipline, you're doing it with a powerful, positive alternative.

Remember, click on your pc to The Parent's Plat e internet radio show with me, your host! I'm on "live" every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST), but you can listen to ANY show ANYTIME by going to my host page & clicking on "Recent Shows" in the right column. :-)

2011-09-22T06:04:00.000-04:00

Stay In Bed!

Several months ago I spoke at a conference. Afterward, a young father approach me asking how to get his son to go to sleep in his own bed, and stay asleep there all night.

The first thing I advise parents is to begin when your child is a baby laying him/her down to sleep while drowsy yet awake. You don't have to rock your baby to sleep, just a comforting, nurturing rock to soothe him and then off to lie down. Although it's hard to separate yourself from your baby, it is good parenting to give your child the gift of self-reliance early on.

When a baby falls asleep without assistance, his last memory is that he put himself to sleep. When he wakes in the middle of the night (all people wake frequently during the night, we just don't remember), his last memory will assist him in falling asleep again. As children age, they learn valuable life skills in separation and self-comfort.

No parent is immune to the antics, manipulation, and sheer energy drain from kids at bedtime. If you want to know how I handled Laura's bedtime resistance and discovered the best remedy, see p. 159 in The Birth to Five Book.

In your daily discipline, remember an ounce of consistency is worth a pound of expert advice.

Need more help with your child's sleep issues? Find a goldmine of resources listed on p. 216 in The Birth to Five Book.

2011-09-21T04:44:00.004-04:00

Are You Guilty?

Yelling, Screaming, & Hollering, Oh my!

When my daughters were in school, I served as a room parent. Being a team player with the teacher is critical to a child's classroom success and attitude about learning. Honestly, one of my motives behind my service was to observe how the teacher interacted with the children, particularly mine. I never wanted them to be victims of a screamer teacher. I felt that loosing control and yelling at children is nothing but exasperated intimidation. Plus, it reveals a lack of self-control. To be fair, I've taught preschool and substituted in the public schools; there are bad days when you occasionally "lose it." While screaming at kids releases the pressure valve, it does more harm in the long run.

Children perceive screaming as your last resort, they're intimidated by your lack of self-control, and they're often amused that they have the "power" to make you "lose it." And, believe me, that "power" becomes energy. They're energized to used their power again. Do you see the vicious cycle?

Parents call my office and ask how they can stop screaming to get their kids to mind. The first thing I usually advise, "Speak in a lower tone or even a whisper."

"But, they won't hear me, Brenda, if I lower my volume."

"What do you think will happen?"

"They'll keep it up!"

Well, maybe. When kids see a parent (or teacher) moving her lips, they know something is coming out. If they can't hear, often they'll quiet themselves to get it. Curiosity!

Also, kids are quick learners. If they know you don't mean it until you SCREAM, they'll continue to misbehave until they hear your "I REALLY MEAN IT NOW" voice. In essence, you've taught them to not listen until you raise your volume. Teacher!

You are your child's first - and most influential - educator. When you practice self-control in the face of frustration, you teach them how to remain calm when annoyed. Model!

Today, practice disciplining in a "I mean it now" low, calm, self-controlled voice. At least they won't snicker at you behind your back.

2011-09-20T08:56:00.001-04:00

The Only Discipline that Lasts is. . .

Wow, Brenda, gimme that discipline method. I want to insure my kids mind so I'm done with discipline.

Wouldn't it be nice to see more patience, kindness, manners, listening to you from the kids? It is possible.

Brenda, tell me now!

NFL coach Bum Phillips was known for his folksy mannerisms, and for wearing his trademark cowboy hat on the sidelines, except when the Oilers played in the Astrodome or other domed stadiums. (He stated that his mother taught him not to wear a hat indoors.) Phillips would've been proud of this year's Super Bowl winners, the New Orleans Saints, because he coached the team from 1981 through the first 12 games of the 1985 season. One of his sayings in coaching applies to getting kids to mind, "The only discipline that lasts is self-discipline."

How do you get the kids to be more patient, kind, polite, listen to you? Show them through your own behavior. Be sure to model patience, kindness in the home, exchange please and thank you and, listen to your kids. It's through your self-disciplined behavior that you teach kids behaviors that last.

Want 8 more effective ways to get your kids to mind? Then listen to "Creative Discipline" - my 1-hr CD - available now at The Parent's Plate host page. Help is just a click away!

2011-09-19T08:42:00.002-04:00

Yes! You Can Say "No"

"I don't want to always say 'No,'" is a common concern parents share with me. Good! Glad they don't want to create a negative environment that stifles their child. However, there are many times when a firm and absolute "No" is appropriate and necessary. Think about those times when you must say "No" to

benefit your child
protect his safety
save a situation
demonstrate your maturity and authority.

Here are some of those occasions, through the years, when I've said "No" to my daughters. When,

I didn't know who (if anyone) was chaperoning a party they wanted to attend.
A TV program or theater movie was above their understanding, too violent, or too sexually oriented.
They needed to stay home for down-time.
It was not a safe time of day (or night) to be out.
Doing something they wanted to do was against our family values or standards.

It's okay to give kids freedom to grow and experience life but, never at the cost of compromise to your values and their safety (either physical, mental, spiritual, or social), or to go along with other parents. Don't cheat your child out of having a wise, responsible parent by always saying, "Yes" and failing to set rules, boundaries and limitations. If you're struggling with saying "No" to kids read this article http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/11/how-to-say-no-to-children.html

Remember for more parent empowerment and encouragement, join me every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate internet radio show.

2011-09-18T09:12:00.001-04:00

Put 'Em to Bed!

Parenting isn't always convenient. There are times when we must do what is right and healthy for our children regardless of our own wishes.

Paula and Mike discovered this one night at a friend's house when their exhausted son, Jordan, threw a major fit. Pleading with her young son, Paula said, "Stop yelling and calm down Jordan." But he continued his ugly behavior. Embarrassed, Paula again tried to soothe Jordan, but he fell on the floor, kicked his legs and screamed louder. Other guests watched in frozen horror as Jordan lost control.

Finally Mike intervened with, "Jordan, you are tired. We need to go home." And that's what they did. Paula and Mike left their games, refreshments, and friends and headed for the door with a red-faced Jordan.

Did you know a tired child is less likely to mind? Skillful discipline is giving kids what they need. . .regardless of what you want.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get your hour of empowerment every Tuesday, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate radio show! All past shows are available on podcast and iTunes so you don't have to miss any information and affirmation to help you be the parent you want to be and your kids deserve.

2011-08-18T01:00:00.001-04:00

Did You Hear Me?!

Off went the TV. She swung around and snapped, "Did you hear me?!" The little girl quietly looked up at her mom and asked, "What?"

Children often ignore - or don't hear - us talking to them. Many parents and childcare professionals tell me that their kids only listen when they want to. So, how do you discipline children who practice selective listening?

The secret is two-fold: Model Listening and Take Action

First, we must model to children listening behavior. Do you look into a child's face when he/she is talking to you or do just pretend to listen by saying the standard "uh hum" while doing work? If so, children pick up on this lesson and practice what they learn. My daughter, Laura, occasionally calls me out by saying, "Mom, you just asked me that question."

"Oh, guess I didn't listen to your answer."

Oops, I was guilty of selective listening. I encourage you to consider what you're teaching when you don't really listen to children's questions or comments.

Second, take action to get the children's full attention. Do you turn off the TV, whip away the iPod, or intercept a toy he/she is playing with? If not, you're allowing the ignoring behavior. And you end up repeating yourself to the point of nagging.

When either one of my daughters gave me the cold shoulder, I'd repeat myself using her name. (Hint: calling a child by name is an attention-getter.) Then I'd ask her to repeat me. "Oh Mom," she'd moan, "I heard you!" But at least if she could repeat what I just said, it reassured me my words were sinking in. Then if she disobeyed me, I knew I was dealing not with selective listening but, with outright defiance.

In your daily discipline, remember the powerful teacher you are! Every behavior you do around kids is their lesson - and kids are quick studies. You want them to listen to you? Then you listen when they talk to you. Do you think they are so distracted that they can't listen, then take action to insure you have their full attention.

2011-08-14T06:59:00.003-04:00

The August 2009 issue of Good Housekeeping magazine quoted me in the inspiring article, "Words to Chill By." If you can grab a copy, read this great little piece and tell me what you think.
The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start (available on Amazon http://is.gd/jaTZ), is contracted for a Korean-language edition! How cool is that?

Now, for a child discipline Tip:

What Have You Learned?

Everyone tells me they learn about themselves when they become a parent. It's true; we not only learn about our kids but we are taught lessons, too. As a new mom, I quickly realized my parents weren't as dumb as I'd once thought. I also learned that raising a child is an exhausting 24/7 job with no reviews or raises but, like the slogan says, "It's the toughest job you'll ever love." Here are two other things I've come to know through my journey:

children who learn to be thankful early in life receive a permanent lesson in contented living

one expression of love is to discipline my daughters. Anyone can discipline my girls without loving them but, I can't fully love them without taking the time to discipline.

What have you learned? There are 8 techniques to get kids to mind without shouting, screaming or loosing your cool. We recorded my live Creative Discipline presentation onto a 1-hour CD. Now you can have those powerful 8 discipline techniques, too, by ordering this CD at my host page on The Parent's Plate radio show. Be sure to include your mailing address, so I'll know where to send your parenting tool.

2011-08-10T07:47:00.004-04:00

Even the Perfect Parent . . .

Years ago the following popped into my inbox from an unknown source. Being a writer and a mom, I polished it and today pass it along to you as humorous comfort in these challenging years of childrearing.

After creating heaven and earth, God made his children, Adam and Eve. And among the first things He said to them was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" asked Adam.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God replied pointing out beautiful apples hanging on a particular tree.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve . . . we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way."

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit," repeated God.

"Why?"

"'Cause I'm your Father and I say so," God reminded (wondering why He hadn't stopped after making hyenas). Later, God saw his kids having an apple break and, disappointed with their behavior, He got annoyed. "Didn't I tell you two not to eat that fruit?"

"What fruit?" quizzed Adam, looking dumbfounded as juice drooled down his chin.

"That fruit!"

"I dunno," Eve inserted.

"She started it," Adam charged.

"Did not!" denied Eve.

"Did too!!"

"DID NOT!!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God decided on an appropriate consequence - Adam and Eve will have children of their own. Thus, the consequence was set and has never changed.

The reassurance to this story is: If you lovingly and persistently give good guidance to children and they still go astray, take heart. Children aren't always a reflection of their parents. After all, even the Perfect Parent had (has) challenging children at times.

2011-08-07T06:38:00.000-04:00

Top 10 Tips for Effective Discipline

If you know me, you've probably heard me say, "the parent is the child's expert" and I encourage Moms and Dad everywhere to "trust your gut" in childrearing situations. As a mom, I trust my instincts yet I gather ideas from many sources - fellow parents and professionals and books. After all, no one person can know it all, right?

Today I share from Dr. Vicki Panaccione, who prefers to be called, "Dr. Vicki" The Parenting Professor. Here are her Top 10 Tips for Effective Discipline:

Set realistic expectations
Clearly define limits
Set a good example
Hold your children accountable
Use reasonable consequences
Follow through
Be consistent
Reward desirable behaviors
Use humor, flexibility and creativity
Pick your battles

These are reasonable and I agree. How about you? You may want to print out this Top 10 list and put on your refrigerator as a reminder. To read more about Dr. Vicki and these tips go to www.BetterParentingInstitute.com.

2011-08-04T08:23:00.002-04:00

Teaching about Thanksgiving

Discipline is about teaching. How are you disciplining your child(ren) the meaning and significance of Thanksgiving? In some homes, families gather around the table for fun dinnertime conversation -- and a little chaos. Some families spend the day passing out meals at a homeless shelter. My friend decided she and her family would spend the night in a Hilton Inn, enjoy a leisurely day together then hit the malls on Black Friday.

Whatever you do, I hope you remember the value of spending uninterrupted time with your children! It is YOU they look up to; you're on a pedestal. Your attitude and behaviors are picked up by your little, eager learners.

Did you know President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving as a national celebration to unite our country? In 1863 he forever set the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.

Why am I writing about Thanksgiving in the hot summer months? I hope you enjoy the spirit of gratitude with your children all year. Remember to teach about thanks and giving each day. There is always something to be thankful for.

2011-08-03T08:13:00.001-04:00

My Philosophy on Parenting

Years before I had children, one of my beloved college professors and mentor told me something that molded my philosophy on childrearing. He said that my job as a parent will be to work myself out of a job.

That sounded harsh. But, I've learned it is the greatest gift to my children. I want them to be independent, have friends and a life.

In your daily discipline, ask yourself if your teaching also includes lessons on self-reliance so your kids will one day be able to get on in life without you.

Yes, you may want your kids to become beautiful butterflies but, the cocoon has got to go.

So what do you think? Feel free to leave your comment below! And remember to get your hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate internet radio show.

2011-08-01T08:00:00.003-04:00

Discipline Builds Self-Esteem

Many parents tell me that they don't want their discipline to injure their child's self-esteem. I applaud parents for this sensitivity, however, consistent, respectful discipline BUILDS a child's self-esteem. It sends the message, "I love you enough to care."

What a relief when I learned that self-esteem and self-confidence are different. We teach self-esteem, but confidence comes from experience. Even people with healthy self-esteem occasionally lack confidence.

Teach your child that he/she is worth your discipline. You are being a good parent - and showing love - when you take time to teach your child appropriate behavior.

Remember, tune in to The Parent's Plate internet radio show every Tuesday at 10 am (EST). If you miss the live show, click on my host page and get this hour of empowerment on podcast or with a free subscription to The Parent's Plate on iTunes!

2011-07-31T07:01:00.000-04:00

What I've Learned about Discipline

My daughters are now 23 and 29 years old. Hard to imagine! But, one of my lessons in these 30 years of mothering includes discipline.

I learned that to express my love was through confronting and correcting my daughters' inappropriate behaviors.

When I understood that discipline was really about teaching, it dawned on me that anyone could discipline my kid without loving her, but I could not fully and maturely love her without taking the time to consistently, patiently discipline.

I hope that's one of your lessons too.

2011-07-29T07:39:00.001-04:00

Another Successful Parent Tip

Imagine hearing this thought of a child, "I get embarrassed when you scream at me in public."

My friend, Deb, grieved as she told me about her granddaughter. In public, this youngster was reprimanded aloud frequently with harsh words and tone of voice. Deb noticed that her granddaughter would then "shut down" and sit in a corner or retreat to her bedroom only later to be called a "pouter." Deb wisely observed that her granddaughter wasn't pouting, rather she was embarrassed and humiliated.

In discipline, it's important to remember that beginning around the age of three children are acutely aware of other people. They are sensitive to what people think of them, the group norms, and how others receive them. They are sensitive to ridicule. And we can wound the spirit of a child when we sharply yell, bark orders, correct, or reprimand them in front of their peers or other adults.

To be effective in daily discipline, take time to privately correct your child with dignity, just as you would want from your supervisor at work. Children do need guidance, but they'll learn best when they feel respected.

More tips on discipline are available on my Creative Discipline CD, which you can order from me. Here's some info on the CD at The Parent's Plate host page. If you'd like me to present "How To Be a Successful Parent" (based on this article) at your next event, email me for my speaking fees and availability, speaker2parents(at)juno.com.

2011-07-26T07:28:00.002-04:00

How to be a Successful Parent

Imagine hearing this thought of a child, "I'm confused when you're unpredictable."

In discipline, children become confused when they hear a rule that is unenforced or if Mom says one thing and Dad says the opposite. They get mixed messages if something they do brings laughter one day and scolding the next day.

Kids need adults who say what they mean and mean what they say. They need loving adults who respond to them consistently, using the same words, the same expectations, and the same consequences.

Synonyms for dependable include always there, constant, faithful, loyal, responsible, secure, stable, steadfast, steady, trustworthy, unfailing. How do these words apply to your daily discipline?

2011-07-23T19:04:00.002-04:00

Creative Correction?

Have you ever heard or said, "I spank and spank and he still won't mind!" or "I constantly take away privileges and it makes no difference in how he behaves."

My ears cringe when I hear this because I want to know, "Then why are you doing it?" To me, it's like driving to work on the same road every day only to find a brick wall but, ramming your car into the wall hoping to make the road passable. Dah! The smart driver finds a new route.

C'mon, you're smart! (Space here prohibits my thoughts on spanking, there's a chapter on it in The Birth to Five Book.) Let me remind you to be creative in correcting misbehavior rather than ramming your efforts into the wall of ineffective repetition. To confront and correct any child's inappropriate behavior, try using consequences, time-out, verbal reprimands, distraction, modifying the environment, incentives, or time-in. If you need explanation of each of these effective discipline techniques, it's on my Creative Discipline CD available for order at my host page at The Parent's Plate radio show. Kids need and want boundaries; makes 'em feel loved. But, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity - not discipline.

This week, how can you be the smart one who is creative in your correction?

Like these easy, quick reads on discipline? Then you'll love The Birth to Five Book, available in bookstores or get autographed copies by sending me your name/address and $12 per book. Hey, I even pay for the S&H costs!* Mail your order & payment to: Brenda Nixon/PO Box 1302/Mount Vernon, OH 43050.

*U.S. only

2011-07-07T01:20:00.001-04:00

Right Idea, Wrong Question

In the grocery store one morning, I overheard a youngster continually droning, nagging, and complaining. Finally, his exasperated mom asked, "Do you want to be disciplined?"

What kid in his right mind would sit up and say, "Yes, please, put limits on me"? And why is the parent asking permission to do her job? She had the right idea - teaching her son socially controlled behavior - but asked the wrong question.

When you must adjust your child's behavior, just do it! There should be no warning, pleading, or asking, immediately confront and correct. Then move on.

How many times do we have the right idea, but sabotage or infuriate ourselves by asking the wrong question? Listen to yourself today; are you asking permission to discipline or do you just do it. What's your comment?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get your hour of empowerment every Tuesday morning on The Parent's Plate radio show! Join me and my guest to chat about issues crowding your parenting plate.

2011-07-05T01:13:00.001-04:00

"Sticks and Stones"

Remember the childhood chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? In reality, words can wound a child for life. The poet Longfellow wrote, “A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child.”

I was disturbed when I watched a recent ABC news program with journalist Diane Sawyer. In the program, irate parents called their daughter, “a f---- bitch.” Not only was this behavior immature and verbally abusive, but it added to – rather than diffused – the tension in the home. Additionally, kids will rise – or fall – to the label given them.

Is your child a brat, loud mouth, liar, tramp or a helper, good thinker, problem-solver, kind person? In your daily discipline, what you call your child is what you’ll get. . .eventually.

Got a comment or question? Leave it below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your hour of empowerment is every Tuesday morning on The Parent's Plate radio show. Join me and my guests as we chat about issues crowding a parent's plate.

2011-07-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

Have Fun with Negative Behavior

Happy July 1. Can't believe this summer is flying by so quickly. Here's something I was thinking about the other day.

My daughter Laura went through a stage where she’d pitifully whine that she was thirsty – as we were racing down a busy freeway with no visible exits. All my reasoning and pleading for her to be patient did little good. She continued in that annoying broken-record whiny voice, “Mom, I’m thirsty!”

After talking with a counselor friend of mine about Laura’s penchant for nagging me about something I couldn’t easily remedy, he suggested using humor to make my point.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Say something ridiculous to help her see the irrationality of her request,” he replied.

The next time my darling daughter and I were buckled in and cruising the freeway at top speed, she began her fingernail-down-the chalkboard voice, “I’m thirsty.”

I replied, “I’ll stop right here and pick a bottle of water off that bush.”

“Huh?” she asked in a suddenly mature voice.

“I can’t ease your thirst this very moment, Laura. You’re asking something impossible and I’m giving you an equally impossible solution.”

“Oh.”

This week when you’re confronting a discipline situation, try a little silliness to make your point. It might ease misbehavior and create a more pleasant climate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join me and exciting guests every Tuesday morning for an hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate show.

2011-06-30T07:50:00.000-04:00

What's on Your Parenting Plate?

Got tantrums, whining, sibling rivalry, bedtime disasters, teen drivers? If you're a parent and have questions, I've got help!

The Parent's Plate airs live every Tuesday at 10 AM (ET). I'm your host and invite you to tune in Tuesdays. Whatever crowds your plate, I can help with my exciting guests, news, chat and encouragement. Call 877-864-4869, any Tuesday morning with questions for me or my guest or to contribute a comment.

2011-06-28T01:05:00.002-04:00

Reminder on a Bad Day
On those bad discipline days, when you're on your last nerve, whisper this prayer:

Earlier last year I posted this and had so many comments and "thank yous" that I decided to rerun it for your encouragement.

Dear Lord,
it's such a hectic day With little time to stop and pray.
For life's been anything but calm
Since You called on me to be a mom.
Running errands, matching socks
Building dreams with building blocks.
Cooking, cleaning, and finding shoes
And other stuff that children lose.
Getting lids on bottled bugs
Wiping tears and giving hugs.
A stack of last week's mail to read
So where the quiet time I need?
Yet when I steal a minute, Lord
Just at the sink or ironing board
To ask the blessing of Your grace,
I see then, in my small one's face,
That you have blessed me
All the while.
And I stop to kiss
that precious smile.

- anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get your hour of empowerment each Tuesday on The Parent's Plate radio show, 10 am (EST).

2011-06-27T01:01:00.000-04:00

Successful Parenting

One of my favorite parenting writers/speakers is Dr. Sal Severe. He’s doled out advice on Oprah (before Dr. Phil) and other noted media outlets.

Prior to my book's release, Sal published his book I still love and recommend How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! (Viking, $23.95). The title alone is something many educators would like to teach parents today.

One of the jewels in the book is a chapter on how successful parents behave. Listed are three promises every parent needs to make to become more successful:

1) Promise to have courage to be open and accept new ideas. If what you’re doing is working, says the author, stick with it. If not, have the courage to try something new.

2) Promise to have patience – plenty of patience. Your twelve-year-old kid has had twelve years to develop his behavior patterns. Give him time to change.

3) Promise to practice. The author says, “If you are willing to read about new ideas but not to practice them, give this book to someone else and buy a magic wand.”

Good parenting skills take time and practice. Thanks for stopping by my blog, you’ve shown me you’re open and accept new ideas. Patience and practice are your daily discipline assignments this week.

2011-06-23T01:56:00.003-04:00

Permissive Parenting = Sleep Disturbance

According to www.sciencedaily.com "Permissive Parenting May Be Hurting Kids' Sleep."

What is considered "permissive"? It is described as "lax parenting," or caving in, allowing rules to go unenforced, or giving positive consequences for bad behavior.

A research team from Rhode Island Hospital, Brown University School of Medicine and George Washington University published findings that suggest lax parenting is "strongly associated with sleep disturbances" among children.
Sleep disturbances, affecting approximately 15 - 35% of young children, include:

* Refusal to go to bed

* Waking up at night

* Sleepwalking and

* Nightmares

In your daily discipline, remember the importance of being consistent, firm and involved. It may give you and your children a better night's sleep!

What do you think? Leave me a comment.

2011-06-21T05:16:00.003-04:00

Active Time-Out

Active means engaged in doing something.

Active time-out in discipline means engaging yourself when your child's behavior is inappropriate. For example, when your tot breaks the house rule, you remove him from the environment and to a quiet, pre-determined location for a briefly period of time. The time alone allows him to reflect on the inappropriate behavior and to calm down.

When my daughters were young, I'd use the corner of the bed or a corner of our living room as time-out locations. I'd send them to the location for a brief period of time. It didn't have to be long, just enough to interrupt their unruly behavior. If we were in public, I'd remove them to sit in the quiet car. Afterward, we'd rejoin others or continue with our shopping. Some parents use a chair for time-out.

Not every technique works on every kid. But, before giving up on time-out, make sure you're using it correctly. Here are some success tips:

*Be consistent - use time-out for both major and minor infractions.
*Be calm when implementing time-out (no shouting).
*Be observant; once the child is calm and cooperative, time-out is over.
*Be smart by removing distractions - time-out is to be boring.

Sometimes people don't like this phrase, they think it sounds harsh. Then, use another word ... call it "think time" if you like. The point is; when adults break society's rule, they are put in time-out and it is not pleasant. Kids must learn now to keep the rules and if not, they'll be removed from polite society.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get an hour of empowerment every Tuesday morning on The Parent's Plate radio show with me, your host!

2011-06-20T01:44:00.002-04:00

Woot!
Want help clearing off your parenting plate? Then tune in to my radio program, The Parent's Plate, every Tuesday 10 AM (ET). Hear authors, experts, and parents talk about the many things that crowd your plate; from raising daughters to teen drivers to living with a chronically ill child, The Parent's Plate has something to ease your life. And sometimes we give away books or other prizes!

So tune in Tuesdays at 10 am (EST)/9 am (Central).

Is there a topic you want discussed? If you want to suggest a show topic leave your comment below. I love comments!

2011-06-18T02:06:00.001-04:00

What's Your Discipline Attitude?

If you've read my blog, you know my position and recommendations on discipline. Here are some questions to think about in daily discipline. Ask yourself:

____ Do I remember that discipline is about teaching appropriate behavior?

____ In a situation, am I focused on correcting behavior or venting my frustration?

____ What would I look like if I saw myself in a mirror while disciplining?

____ Do I speak to my child (or children I'm teaching) with respect?

____ When using consequences, do I insure the consequence fits the "crime"?

____ Am I kind and firm? Kindness refers to tone of voice; firmness refers to follow-through.

____ If I use active Time-Out, do I watch my child rather than the clock?

____ Do I use Time-In (touching, winking, smiles, eye contact) to reinforce desirable behavior?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get an hour of empowerment Tuesday 10-11 am (EST) / 7-8 am (PST) on The Parent's Plate radio show with me, your host.

2011-06-14T01:40:00.001-04:00

Your Brat's Doormat?

I watched a disturbing episode of TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras show. Why did it disturb me? One little contestant hit, screamed, pinched, and resisted her mother's attempts to discipline her. She was out of control. She was miserable. Mom was embarrassed but confessed, "I want her to know I love her regardless of behavior."

Admirable goal, Mom, but there's a difference between unconditional love and letting a child walk all over you.

What was the lesson little "sweetie" was learning? "The world revolves around me, my needs, and my mood, consequently Mom can adapt to me!"

Mom needs to recognize that unconditional love separates the doer from the deed. It says, “I love you and not your behavior now.” Love takes the time and energy to confront and correct ugly, wrong behavior.

Even if kids scream, "You don't love me" in a fit of anger, that's no reason to back off and let them wipe their feet on you. I see too many parents who - don't have "strong-willed" kids but - are weak-willed adults. Good parents set boundaries and teach respect. Children feel loved when parents maintain rules, boundaries and limitations.

Be the best parent you can. That means accepting your responsibility to teach your child appropriate, self-controlled behaviors and respond to those that are not. Follow-up with a suitable consequence to defiant misbehavior.

I like what Gandhi said and apply it to parenting, "A man of character will make himself worthy of any position he is given." I challenge you in discipline, to be worthy of raising the child you were given.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get your hour of empowerment Tuesday 10-11 am (EST) / 7-8 am (PST) on The Parent's Plate radio show with me, your host!

2011-06-13T08:39:00.001-04:00

Thanks for checking in - the EXCITING NEWS on The Birth to Five Book is . . . . drum roll please. I received an email from my missionary friend in Vanantu who found The Birth to Five Book on her Australian friend's bookshelf. Her friend said she bought it while shopping a bookstore in Australia and that she found it "very helpful."

Yeah, I love hearing stories of how my book is helping parents around the globe.

The second BIG news is, my publisher contracted The Birth to Five Book for a Korean-language edition. Translation is in progress as we speak. Now if you have Korean-speaking friends you can recommend this book to them.

2011-06-11T07:45:00.001-04:00

Parent UP!

"I don't want him to get mad at me."

"It's just not worth the fight."

I often hear these comments from parents who don't want to confront and correct their child's inappropriate behavior, or to enforce rules about a situation. They fear an outburst or drawn-out power struggle.

Guess what? You are the parent. You are the one controlling the situation. You are responsible for teaching your child. I respond to parents with this dose of reality, "deal with it now or deal with it later when it's a larger problem."

I understand the daily strain of raising kids. There were days when I wondered, "ugh, it it worth it?" Then I reminded myself, "I can take care of a small problem now or a big one later." I opted for the small problem.

Do you have a story of successful discipline with your child? Leave your comment here because it may encourage another reader!

2011-05-22T04:34:00.001-04:00

Summertime Discipline Tips

We're getting into summer fun and vacation time. I see all kinds of weird and wild behavior from kids . . . and their parents.

Some weirdness is due to excitement. "It also means changes in routine, strange hours, confined spaces and unfamiliar faces which can add up to discipline issues for your kids," says Marijo Tinlin. "They’re tired, in a strange place, strapped in to the seat of a car or airplane and they just may act out because of that."

Last summer, Marijo asked me to share some tips for parents in an article she was writing. She included my tips in her Top Discipline Tips for Summer Vacation. My advice? Here's one tip:

For annoying - not destructive - behaviors sometimes “passive timeout” works great. This technique means you simply ignore the goofy behavior; turn away and remove your child’s "audience." When her behavior improves, you turn back and reward her with a smile.

Your child craves your attention. When you remove attention, you send a message that undesirable behavior will not be rewarded. You extinguish the behavior by ignoring it.

Remember wise parents know what to overlook rather than oversee.

To get my discipline tips while at restaurants and relatives' homes, read Marijo Tinlin's article.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join me Tuesdays 10 - 11 am (EST) / 7-8 am (PST) on The Parent's Plate radio show. Great guests, insights, practical parenting tips, and casual chat make this your hour of empowerment!

2011-05-13T02:19:00.000-04:00

Grandma Rules!

She stood across the hotel’s service desk and bragged about her grandkids. As I was checking out of my room from an overnight speaking engagement, the desk clerk showed me pictures then explained about her two adult children. “One is a great disciplinarian,” she said, “but the other lets her kids do anything they want!” She shook her head in frustration and disbelief. “I want to discipline them but when their mom won’t; I don’t want to risk losing their love.”

Ever feel like your grandkids rule the roost at home and expect the same at yours? It can be a tough position, but don’t cave in from fear that they’ll hate you.

Kids are amazingly adaptable and quickly learn the expectations in different situations. When they go to daycare, school, church, or the store they adjust to those rules. You run your home; continue running it when the grandkids are there. A simple statement, "Remember kids, you’re at Grandma's and that means Grandma Rules," is usually sufficient. Probably they have such fun with you they won't take the chance of you being displeased with their behavior. One woman confessed, “I LOVE being a grandma—we are so smart; at least my eight grandkids think so and who am I to argue!”

Remind yourself that most self-respecting kids try to manipulate, argue, negotiate or “push the envelope.” So, here are four tips to confront the darling banshees:

•Remain calm. Kids love it when you lose your cool, yell or throw up your arms in defeat because it gives them a sense of power over you.

•Be consistent. Children thrive when their life is comfortably predictable.

•Make eye contact. Someone said, “The eye is the pathway to the soul.” Talk to your grandkids, not at them, for the greatest impact.

•Be a promise-keeper. Immediately apply consequences to behavior so they learn that all actions have reactions.

The truth is your grandkids will see you as a good grandma when you show interest in their behavior by setting reasonable rules, boundaries, and limitations. Kids feel secure with adults who run the household.

If possible, explain to your grown kids that you’d like them to write down their discipline rules—even if you think they have none. Tell them you want to support their efforts and use their methods: time-out, removal of TV privileges, or demanding an apology.

Out of 2,134 parents surveyed, with children ages 2 to 11, one-third didn't think their discipline methods were working well, according to a study published in Clinical Pediatrics. Perhaps your initiative may open lines of communication, encourage more authority, and foster a team attitude. Then everyone wins.

Grandma Moses wisely observed, “Life is what you make it. Always has been. Always will be.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join me Tuesday mornings, 10-11 am (EST) / 8-9 am (PST) on The Parent's Plate internet radio show. Just click the link and listen. All past shows are available on iTunes and podcast.

2011-05-09T05:21:00.002-04:00

How to Raise a Delinquent Kid, part III

OK, this is the last time. But, I've had such fun with this topic and the rules makes sense. So I have to share 2 more rules with you from an old pamphlet put out about 50 years ago. You may be raising a delinquent if you:

* Take his part against neighbors, teachers and policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child!

* Give the child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own.

Hmm, think about it today. What's your comment? Say what you think below...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get your hour of empowerment with me Tuesday 10-11 am (EST) on my internet radio show, The Parent's Plate. Fab, fun guests, parenting insights and tips, and casual chat make this a powerful and valuable hour you won't want to miss!

2011-05-03T05:20:00.002-04:00

How to Raise a Deliquent Kid, part II

I had such fun last week with this topic, I decided to add two more rules from an old (probably 50 years ago) Houston, TX Police Department pamphlet, Twelve Rules for Raising Delinquent Children. The "rules" say, you may be raising a delinquent if you:

* Avoid the use of "wrong." He may develop a guilty complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested, that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

* Pick up everything he leaves lying around. Do everything for him so that he will know how to throw all responsibility on others.

Hmm, know someone today who needs daily discipline?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get a live hour of empowerment Tuesday 10-11 am (EST) with me on The Parent's Plate internet radio show!

2011-04-26T07:08:00.004-04:00

How to Raise a Delinquent Kid

Probably 50 years ago, the Houston, TX Police Department distributed a pamphlet, Twelve Rules for Raising Delinquent Children. Although generations old, I want to share two of their rules because I think they still make good sense:

* When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he's cute. It will also encourage him to pick up "cuter phrases" that will blow off the top of your head later.

* Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21, and then let him "decide for himself."

Something to think about in your daily discipline! What's your comment? Do you agree, disagree, or . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get a live hour of empowerment Tuesday morning 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host. Great guests, parenting insights, tips, and casual chat make this a powerful and valuable hour you won't want to miss!

2011-04-19T08:04:00.002-04:00

Change Your Behavior First

Want to change your child's behavior? First change yours.

What am I talking about? Sometimes it's more effective to change what YOU are doing or saying before you see a difference in your child. Rather than fight and argue, you might:
*Child-proof the environment and
*Ask more open ended questions.

If you don't want to see your child doing something unsafe, simply child-proof the living/playing environment. This way you eliminate sources of conflict and minimize your own worry and overuse of "No!" Most conflicts in early childhood parenting are about safety.

If you want more information before you react, practice asking open-ended questions (those answered with more than one word like, "yes" or "no"). Instead of, "Did you pick up your toys?" ask, "Where did you put away the toys?" Rather than, "Did you do your homework?" try, "What is your homework about?" Open-ended questions usually begin with where, what, who, or how, and encourage more casual conversation.

Try making one of these changes today and see if you notice better behavior in your child.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your hour of empowerment is Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host! If you catch the live show, you're welcome to call our toll-free studio line with questions or comments 877-864-4869. If you miss a show, all past shows are available on podcast and iTunes.

2011-04-12T07:46:00.004-04:00

Empowering Teens to Make Good Choices

Whoa, if you're the parent of a teenager, I've got a gift for you. Nicole O'Dell is my guest on The Parent's Plate show today. Nicole says, "I’m a mom of six–including two-year-old triplets! I’m the host of Teen Talk Radio, the author of a bunch of books and the wife of one really cool guy. I love to get out among teens and parents when I speak at conventions, churches, conferences, etc."

Want to insure your teen makes good choices? Then tune in today at 10 am (EST) / 7 am (PST).

Nicole has a ton to share and great parenting tips for us. Don't miss this episode, just click this link and listen on your pc The Parent's Plate.

2011-04-11T07:58:00.002-04:00

Would I Like Me?

Have you ever thought what you look or sound like when disciplining a child?

I've seen some parents stand erect, hands on their waist, looking scornfully down at their child through an angry red-faced grimace. To tell you the truth, that'd intimate me!

I've seen some parents and childcare providers grit their teeth and force each word out their terse lips as if they were a pressure cooker about to blow. Yikes, that'd frighten me!

When my girls were young, there were days it seemed as if everything they did got on my last nerve. Whether it was them, me, the weather, or PMS, I wasn't a very nice mom and did my share of emotional disciplining. One day, I went into my bedroom after an "episode" and glanced in the mirror. The person looking back was an angry, unloving woman. She doesn't look like anyone I'd want to be around, I thought. And probably my girls felt the same way. Sad.

From that day forward, I've tried to look and sound more self-controlled and to be someone I'd want to be around. I never want my children to comply simply out of fear or intimidation. Rather, I want to be approachable so I can help my children be teachable.

How about you - when disciplining, would you like to be around yourself? Think about it today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your hour of empowerment is Tuesday morning 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host. If you listen live, feel free to call our show with your questions or comments 877-864-4869.

2011-04-05T07:26:00.004-04:00

Your Strong-Willed Child

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard parents, teachers, or grandparents use the expression "strong-willed child," I'd be wealthy!

I recently became acquainted with Dr. Liane Leedom, psychiatrist and author of Just Like His Father. She also offers a website where she writes, "The so-called strong-willed child actually has poor will power, NOT good will power! Will power helps children behave in a good way and resist temptation. Will power developed over the course of childhood protects against ADHD, addiction and antisocial personality disorder."

Dr. Leedom says that kids perceived as "strong-willed" actually have an imbalance between their drive for social dominance and impulse control. "The drive for social dominance makes them resistant to correction because they always want to be ‘in charge’ and their weak impulse control is what makes them appear to have strong wills. Hmmm, something to consider.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get more on The Parent's Plate internet radio show Tuesdays 10 am (EST) with me, your host. Great guests, parenting insights and tips, and casual chat make this a powerful and valuable hour! Past shows are available on podcast or iTunes.

2011-03-29T07:03:00.003-04:00

It's Tuesday morning and that means . . . The Parent's Plate internet radio show airs live 10 AM(EST) / 9 AM(CST) / 7 AM(PST). Listen live on your pc and call me with your toughest childrearing questions at 877-864-4869. I'd love to hear your voice and help you clear one thing off your crowded plate.

Plus today, my guest is a mom and multi-published author Mary DeMuth. She's going to share about Family Secrets. Shhhh, I can't tell you about the show, you'll just have to listen!

2011-03-22T06:53:00.000-04:00

No, No, No, No, No!

"No, no, no, no, no!" she repeated to her child. I looked up from my grocery shopping list to see a frazzled mom in the store trying to correct her wayward-behaving child. I'm glad she was involved, attentive, and trying to discipline. Good mom!

BUT, the problem was . . .

Hearing an tsunami of "nos" dilutes discipline. When you constantly say "No," your child tunes you out; or as psychologists say, "A constant stimulus loses effect." So your discipline is meaningless and you get frustrated.

Whether tots or teens, kids need to know they're always loved - even if their behavior is not. But remember to discipline with positive and different words so your correction has effect. Hey, call my show this morning 877-864-4869 with your discipline story, question, or comment. I'll be waiting on The Parent's Plate internet radio show!

2011-03-15T06:43:00.002-04:00

Who Rules, Emotions or You?

Raising kids is fierce work!

I get so mad at my son I want to wring his neck.

Brenda, I find myself reacting rather than disciplining.

Raising kids is a challenging 24/7 job with no reviews or raises. But, it's one we won't be laid off from either, right? The above statements are ones I hear frequently in my speaking and writing to parent audiences.

When my kids were young and emotions ran high, there were times I responded from my exhasterated heart rather than from my head. Honestly, it felt like a pressure valve release when I raised my voice. But later, my head told me that wasn't the type discipline I wanted to show my kids.

In your daily discipline, try to take a step back and chill for a second when exhausted or annoyed. Then approach your child's difficult behavior and calmly correct it. Not only will you confront and correct the inappropriate behavior you will model inner-control when under pressure. Don't let emotions rule you.

Want more discipline help? Get "Creative Discipline" on CD. You'll hear me give a live presentation, complete with audience questions and my answers. Order the "Creative Discipline" CD now by mailing your $12 check or money order to me at: PO Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Help is on the way!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember, your hour of empowerment is Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate radio show with me, your host! Great guests, parenting insights, tips, and casual chat make this a powerful and vaulable hour.

2011-03-09T07:16:00.001-05:00

Bullying Is Normal!

Does your kid tease others?
When is it just joking and jesting?
Is it OK for your child to chide classmates?

I remember watching my 6-month-old reach out and snatch a toy from her older sibling and then laugh when she screamed in response. Normal resentment and occasional anger felt by kids results in aggression. Kids seek to establish a dominant-submissive hierarchy. Calm, passive parents call my office frantic because their two-year-old pushes other children down. Teasing, picking on others, aggression IS a part of normal development!

It's normal, folks, but (before I get hostile comments) . . . and here's the big BUT; that doesn't mean you shrug your shoulders and say, "It's just kid behavior," or "Brenda says it's part of normal development" and let it slide. You must still step in and teach (discipline) appropriate behavior.

Accept that some aggressive behaviors are norm and keep a vigilant eye on your immature little darling. Be ready to intervene and teach simple conflict resolution whether your child is on the giving or receiving end.

My first daughter was emotionally tormented all through her first grade by a larger female classmate. I constantly reminded my daughter, "Practice your ignoring skills." I encouraged her to talk to the teacher. I rehearsed with her when to respond. I even tried the, "Try to make friends with her" talk. Somedays I resigned with, "Just toughen up!" It was a grueling year but, she learned some negotiation skills and gained new insights about herself. And, hopefully, I strengthened as a parent.

Sometimes parents are so exhausted they don't want to go to the "trouble" of supervising playgroups or sibling interaction. But, and here's another big BUT, don't let your exhaustion weaken your parental responsibility. Dr. Karl Menninger wisely observed, "What's done to children, they will do to society." Your precious little one grows up to either contribute to - or take from - society. What are you doing to teach your child about communication, conflict resolution, and compromise?

Believe me, I know child discipline is never-ending. But whether tots or teens, kids need adult guidance! For the sake of your happy homelife, your child, and of our society, I encourage you to remember the value and purpose of discipline . . . and just do it.

We can't cease all bullying - that'd be like stopping the wind from blowing - but we can do our best to model and teach how to get along with others. It's also important to coach the victims in developing inner fortitude.

Need more discipline help - or know someone who does? There are 8 effective methods on my 1-hour CD, "Creative Discipline." You can order it now for $12 at http://www.brendanixon.com (see right column for more info). It's easy listening for busy parents on the go.