Divorce is Messy

"One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children," says The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

"While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction." Wrong! This is called emotional incest. Your child is a child and should never take the emotional place of a spouse.

Children misinterpret divorce because they have imagined power and believe they may have caused the adult rift. Often kids will convince themselves that they can make the parents reconcile. Wrong again. It's not a child's responsibility to bring adults back together.

Tuesday morning, February 7, The Parent's Plate radio show kicks around the topic of kids and divorce. I have a guest who came from a unique family life - even by today's standards! I hope you catch the show at togi.us/parents. But if you miss the live airing, you can always go to my host page and click on the show's podcast (at right) or listen on iTunes.

In the meanwhile, here are helpful tips for tackling that tough topic (excuse my alliteration):

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
• Tell your child together with your spouse.
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.
  

~American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Are You a Good Parent?

Do your children know what a good parent is? Most of us have kids who - at times - declare we’re the "worst in the world!" Haha, 've been accused. Occasionally we mumble it to ourselves. Guilty here, too.

My Sunday school class kicked around this topic one morning. A mom confided, “I don’t want my son hanging around that house because I don’t think they’re good parents.”

“Tell your son,” replied another parent.

“He might think I’m criticizing if I say anything about them.”

“Do you say nothing?” wondered one dad.

“But I don’t want to sound like I am perfect,” another joined in.

“We’re afraid of putting other parents down,” echoed some.

“Wait a minute,” I challenged, “It is our job to teach our kids what a good parent is!”

C'mon people, how will our children learn good parenting unless it is modeled and defined? “In the grocery store I show my girls how to pick a ripe melon, what’s a good source of vitamins, to recognize fresh meat,” I continued, “Likewise, it’s my responsibility to teach them to identify a good parent.” This does not mean others are put down, rather it means I help my children learn discernment.

When Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd,” He wasn’t bragging. He was defining. Why? He wanted His followers to spot the model. Because? They would meet many “shepherds” in life and they'd become shepherds themselves. The Good Shepherd educated his flock. Should we do less? He also intended to equip them for their future task. As must we. Jesus clarified, “…the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep,” (John 10:11, AKJV) adding that hired shepherds don’t really love the flock. They’ll run away when predators come, Jesus maintained. Is this a put-down? No. It’s a distinctive difference.

This scripture overflows with lessons. Let’s be students of the Master Teacher. To apply this in the home we can teach our disappointed youngster with, “A good parent says ‘No’ sometimes.” To a frazzled, whining preschooler comment, “Good parents don’t respond when kids whine, use your big boy voice.” Or the ever popular, “Because good parents teach kids to daily brush their teeth.” My husband’s favorite is, “Good dads want to meet the guy their daughter dates.” When my teen challenges me, “Why do you have to know everything, Mom?” She hears, “Because good moms ask where their kid is going, who’s driving, and what’s the plan.”

Of course Jesus’ instruction provoked the Jewish ranks who called Him crazy. So we are not surprised when our - like most typical - kids argue with us. “Oh!” groans my daughter after I’ve said, “Good parents care about which movie you see.” These statements define without criticizing. Let’s tutor our kids in the profession of parenting.

I want my children to recognize qualities of a good parent just as I want them to recognize good food, friendships, decisions, interviews, a career, and life’s mate. It is my prayer that my girls will become parents with conviction and confidence.

They, like us, will not be perfect parents. But by our efforts, and God’s help, they will know how to be good ones. Well, those are my thoughts. What are yours? Feel free to write a comment below or simply click one of the boxes.

Temperament and Your Child

Temperament is a fascinating subject. I love learning and talking about it to parents because it provides self-awareness; parents gain understanding of their personal behavior as well as their childrearing style.

Knowing about temperament also assists parents, educators, childcare professionals, counselors, therapists, and health care providers who can use this insight to improve understanding of and relationships with children.

Nine categories of temperament traits were identified by researchers Drs. Chess and Thomas.

1. Activity Level:
The general drive of motor activity. Is your child very busy and quick moving or does he have a more relaxed, sedate style?

2. Regularity (also called Rhythmicity):
The predictability of daily functions and how kids organize their behavior. Has your child achieved a biologic rhythm for behaviors such as eating, sleeping, using the toilet or is he unpredictable and random?

3. Approach/Withdrawal:
The initial response to new stimuli. Does he tend to hesitate and shy away from new people or things or is he outgoing, social, and excited by novelty?

4. Adaptability:
How easily a child adjusts to changes or transitions. Is your child a “creature of habit” who resists transition or one who readily “goes with the flow?”

5. Sensory Threshold (also called Sensitivity):
How a person responds to sensations such as touch, taste. Do external stimuli such as loud noises, bright lights, or food textures bother him or does he tend to ignore them? The sensitive child feels the seams in seamless tube socks.

6. Quality of Mood:
Basic disposition regardless of conditions. Does your child express a chronically negative, apathetic outlook or a positive, “sunny” nature?

7. Persistence (Attention Span):
The ability to “stick with” a task even in the face of obstacles. Does your child give up as soon as a problem arises or is he goal-oriented and keep on trying?

8. Distractibility:
How easily a child becomes distracted by surrounding circumstances when engaged in an activity. Is your child easily diverted from what he’s doing, a daydreamer, or is he driven and focused with ability to shut out external distractions?

9. Intensity of Reaction:
The level of response to stimuli. Does he react passionately and with drama to situations or with mild reactions?

Of course, I share with parents that any temperament can become a setback or area of conflict. For example, in a fast-paced, two-working parent home adaptability is valued. Kids with an adaptable temperament can get to the end of the day and quickly adjust to their surroundings. But, those who are slow to make changes can become overwhelmed, resistant. However, DNA isn’t destiny, parents can learn to modify their response to children (nurture) and help them develop within their temperament.

Here’s the important bottom line in my opinion: parents who adjust their responses to meet each child’s individual needs find that each child feels valued, understood, accepted, and respected. When parents respond to kids for who they are, not for what they want kids to be, kids grow up with healthy self-respect and a greater tolerance for the different people who come into their lives. Now isn’t that a beautiful gift to give children?
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For more parent empowerment, listen to The Parent's Plate Internet radio show every Tuesday morning, 10 am (EST).

Is ADD a Pop Diagnosis?

OMG, a Google search for ADD reveals more than 834 million sites/articles! Even Psych Central offers a free quiz to help you determine if you might have ADD and need to see a professional. Is this problem over diagnosed? Is it today's pop-disorder? Is it a crutch for a child's low school performance or a parent's excuse for his/her kid's outrageous behavior?

Born to Explore explains, "Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD/ADHD, is a psychological term currently applied to anyone who meets the DSM IV diagnostic criteria for impulsivity, hyperactivity and/or inattention. The diagnostic criteria are subjective and include behavior which might be caused by a wide variety of factors, ranging from brain defects to allergies to giftedness. ADD, as currently defined, is a highly subjective description, not a specific disease."

Tuesday morning, January 31, Helen Neville, RN reveals amazing facts about Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder on my radio show, The Parent's Plate. Helen will answer question about what medicines do, how do they help or hurt children with ADHD, and discuss the bad side effects.

We welcomes callers 1-877-864-4869 anytime between 10-11 AM (EST), Do you have questions, comments, disagreements, or stories about ADD and ADHD? I hope you'll listen to this powerful and insightful episode and call in to participate!

Helen has terrific drug intel and tips for parents like, what you say to your child about medication. If you miss the live show Tuesday morning, you can still get the valuable information by going to my host page togi.us/parents and click on the show's podcast or listen via iTunes.