Parenting Values

Each family unit and culture has a value system. And just as there's no one "right" way to discipline, I maintain there's no one "right" way to raise children. Choose what you want.

However, my heart aches when I see American writers and their publishers perpetuate a one-sided, romanticized view of a culture that - by and large - has children because it's required by tradition, often views women as persons "to breed," neglects teaching daily hygiene, does not nurture a close relationship with children, requires parental obedience to the point that children cannot question incest, withholds verbal or physical affirmation, uses whips and belts in corporal punishment, prohibits children from learning beyond 8th grade, raises kids to fail outside their own culture (for some, no birth certificate exists), and in the most conservative groups practices the emotional torture of shunning children who disobey or leave their community. I'm talking about the Amish culture. And I've seen books showcasing only the best qualities of the Amish, which is fine but one-sided.

Now I recognize that many authors are somewhat acquainted with progressive sects (there are more than 15), and paint a romanticized sweeping image of the "simple" life. But just use caution because any family, culture, society has some dysfunction; none is perfect.

If you truly aspire to make Amish family values your own, do not shave any part of your body, hug your children, take them regularly to the dentist, or send them to college. Read your Bible in German ("the true language"), suppress your feelings and opinions, and discourage independent thinking. And be sure to impose conformity at the cost of community discipline. Many Amish children are empty, lonely, confused, sad, suppressed and struggle with the ability to bond due to a minimal relationship with their parents. A more thorough look into that culture's "family values" keep me from admiring them or making them right for my family.

Now before you ask, "Why do you think you have the right to counter most of the public's admiration of the Amish?" I work intimately with a service to Amish, am the English (non-Amish) mom to a son who is shunned by his "loving" Amish family, have a dear son-in-law whose father is an Amish Bishop, and I live in Ohio home to the largest number of Amish settlements nationwide. On a daily basis I interact with precious former-Amish who, after realizing we value human emotions, and invite transparency and honesty in communication, tell it like it is . . . and was for them. Have I received harsh criticism and unjust treatment from authors, their agents, and publishers who don't appreciate my experiences or me sharing what's inside the image? You bet! But the point here is, be wise when you feel persuaded to make an idealized value system your own.

Bottom line: For your child's health, safety, and emotional maturity, I encourage you to hug and touch your child; the human body was made to respond to touch. The metabolism of preterm infants increases when they experience skin-to-skin contact from parents. I suggest giving your child opportunities to choose; children who are allowed to choose colors and clothes and participate in some decision-making have more confidence. I hope, if you value learning, you welcome your child's questions and attempts to seek knowledge. And I deeply yearn for parents to give unconditional love; that means you may not like your kid's behavior but you always love and support them. Enjoy the freedom to choose how you express these fundamental childrearing skills.

Now that's good parenting!