So What Do You Do?

Since discipline is about teaching; I want to share some of the ways parents and others teach kids about Christmas. I invited readers to send me an email sharing how they celebrate. Below are some of those wonderful emails received;

Christine, a Discovery Toys consultant, shared, "My family starts our celebrations with a skating party on December 24th. My sister and her husband rent a rink and we all go for the fun! Then we go to my parents and visit for the afternoon, open our gifts, have dinner, and attend a Christmas eve service at our Church. We then come back to my house to play games and visit some more."

Simone in Australia wrote, "We have a lovely tradition we do Christmas Eve. We live on a small acreage and have numerous animals, but we do have a donkey and so Christmas Eve at dusk we all go out to our 'stable' where our donkey is tethered, my dolly when I was 6 is wrapped in beige pillowcases and we all listen on a tape the story of 'The Small One', about the donkey's purpose at Christmas time. It is quite magical."

Carrie emailed from New Jersey, "Our annual Christmas Eve service and buffet after is always special. Our son who is in the Marines is able to come home and be with us this year, so we are excited to have him there. Then on Christmas Morning we will all be at our house for a special breakfast complete with fruit salad, scrambled eggs, sausage, and my homemade cinnamon rolls. Then we open gifts, visit, play games, call relatives and enjoy the day together. In the afternoon we have dinner with our dear friends and partners in ministry."

Avery in Oklahoma is just starting her "teaching" as she said, "What do we do for Christmas? Typically we go to my aunt's house for a huge family gathering. This year we will add one more to the group, my newborn (and first born) Abigail!"

Thanks to those who emailed with your Christmas celebration traditions. Good teaching - or should I say good discipline?! See, discipline can be a positive thing!

FYI, The Birth to Five Book is available at Amazon + you can order signed copies from me (if you like author autographs) by sending $12/book to me at: P.O. Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050. As soon as I receive your order/payment I'll sign & send you my book. (US orders only, no international sales at this price.) The Birth to Five Book makes an impressive & useful baby shower gift!

Finally, follow my work & life in 140 characters at http://www.twitter.com/BrendaNixon.

Cabin Fever?

This time of year when gray skies and cold temps keep most kids indoors, cabin fever sets in. The fever causes misbehavior because kids are antsy, bored, whiny and easily upset. You might see more sibling rivalry or tattling. If you're feeling the walls closing in on your family and misbehavior mounting, try this therapeutic activity: Enjoy an indoor picnic.

Picnics elicit fond outdoor memories. Talk to your kids about picnics they remember. Who was there? Where was the picnic? What'd they eat? Share your childhood memories of picnics, too!

Hold your picnic today, at an indoor "beach" and wear summer clothes. Use a basket and beach blanket. Sit on the blanket in your living- or family room; munch on picnic-type foods. Talk about birds and nature. Read books or sing songs together; if you have a young tot, sing the Teddy-bear picnic song.

Spending uninterrupted time with kids can help ease their stress and you'll see better behavior. Plus you'll fortify physical skills like eye-hand coordination; cognitive skills through problem solving; language skills by talking, and social/emotional skills through the art of pretend -- this is good discipline.

Remember "bad" behavior can be avoided or improved through productive play.

The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available online http://is.gd/jaTZ or buy signed copies from me by mailing $12 per book (U.S. only) to: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Finally, for fun, fast facts follow me on twitter .

(C)Copyright 2011, Brenda Nixon.

You Change First

Parents (and teachers) often tell me that whatever they do, their kids won't behave. After a bit of dialog I usually hear, "Well, I always . . . . "

If you "always" respond a certain way to misbehavior and your children's behavior doesn't change, you need to try a different response. Funny, when adults change first, the child changes. If your children yell and you always yell back, the cycle continues. But if you whisper you'll probably see a startle reaction and then hear their lowered voice in return. If you always nag when they dawdle, try calmly setting a consequence and give yourself emotional distance. If they continue to dawdle, allow the consequence to happen (no rescuing) and you'll see a change in behavior.

Disciplining children sometimes calls for a new strategy to change habitual behavioral problems. In your daily discipline, remember:

Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

And remember this, my book The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available online http://is.gd/jaTZ or you can order signed copies from me for $12/book (includes free S&H & just for U.S. orders). Simply send your order/payment to me at: P.O. Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050. As soon as I receive your order, I'll sign/send your book!

Finally, follow me on Twitter http://www.twitter.com/BrendaNixon.

Effective Discipline

Want to be effective in your discipline? Need help getting your point across? Want to regain control? From my friends at the Child Welfare League of America, here's a list of the what's needed for effective discipline. Many of these I have addressed in my weekly Discipline Tip you receive. I challenge you to print out this list and put it on your bathroom or bedroom mirror, in the kitchen and in the car. Effective discipline requires:

1. Patience;
   
2. Determination;
   
3. Confidence;
   
4. Genuineness and concern;
   
5. Openness;
   
6. Separateness;
   
7. Friendly firmness;
   
8. An understanding of development & the factors that affect development;
   
9. Thorough communication; and
   
10. An understanding of the goal of discipline.
    

In daily discipline -- consider these skills and qualities. Do you have what it takes to be an effective disciplinarian?

Messages We Send

Months ago I tweeted about the words we say to children. Often we're innocent to the discouraging messages behind our words and, over time, those messages have a collective, disheartening effect on kids.

Consider these common (I've said 'em, too!) statements:

"Be Careful!" could send the message, "The world is a scary place."

"Shame on you!" could send the message, "Discourage yourself."

"Be nice" may be heard as, "You're not usually nice."

"Stop being so sensitive" can mean, "Don't express your emotions" or "Don't feel."

Here are positive - or encouraging - words that mean the same but send a different message:

Rather than "Be Careful!" say, "Take care of yourself."

Instead of, "Shame on you!" say, "I've made bad choices too."

Replace, "Be nice" with "Make sure your friends win too."

For "Stop being so sensitive" say, "I like that you're listening to your feelings."

None of these condone inappropriate behavior. But they do make your guidance more of a teaching tool.

In your daily discipline ~ reframe your words to send uplifting messages. You aren't diluting your authority, you're doing it with a powerful, positive attitude.

Remember, click on your pc to The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host! I'm on "live" every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) but you can hear ANY show ANYTIME by clicking Recent Shows on the right column at my host page.

Are You Guilty?

Yelling, Screaming, & Hollering, Oh my!

When my daughters were in school, I served as a room parent. Being a team player with the teacher is critical to a child's classroom success and attitude about learning. Honestly, one of my motives behind my service was to observe how the teacher interacted with the children, particularly mine. I never wanted them to be victims of a screamer teacher. I felt that loosing control and yelling at children is nothing but exasperated intimidation. Plus, it reveals a lack of self-control. To be fair, I've taught preschool and substituted in the public schools; there are bad days when you occasionally "lose it." While screaming at kids releases the pressure valve, it does more harm in the long run.

Children perceive screaming as your last resort, they're intimidated by your lack of self-control, and they're often amused that they have the "power" to make you "lose it." And, believe me, that "power" becomes energy. They're energized to used their power again. Do you see the vicious cycle?

Parents call my office and ask how they can stop screaming to get their kids to mind. The first thing I usually advise, "Speak in a lower tone or even a whisper."

"But, they won't hear me, Brenda, if I lower my volume."

"What do you think will happen?"

"They'll keep it up!"

Well, maybe. When kids see a parent (or teacher) moving her lips, they know something is coming out. If they can't hear, often they'll quiet themselves to get it. Curiosity!

Also, kids are quick learners. If they know you don't mean it until you SCREAM, they'll continue to misbehave until they hear your "I REALLY MEAN IT NOW" voice. In essence, you've taught them to not listen until you raise your volume. Teacher!

You are your child's first - and most influential - educator. When you practice self-control in the face of frustration, you teach them how to remain calm when annoyed. Model!

Today, practice disciplining in a "I mean it now" low, calm, self-controlled voice. At least they won't snicker at you behind your back.

Teaching about Thanksgiving

Discipline is about teaching. How are you disciplining your child(ren) the meaning and significance of Thanksgiving? In some homes, families gather around the table for fun dinnertime conversation -- and a little chaos. Some families spend the day passing out meals at a homeless shelter. My friend decided she and her family would spend the night in a Hilton Inn, enjoy a leisurely day together then hit the malls on Black Friday.

Whatever you do, I hope you remember the value of spending uninterrupted time with your children! It is YOU they look up to; you're on a pedestal. Your attitude and behaviors are picked up by your little, eager learners.

Did you know President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving as a national celebration to unite our country? In 1863 he forever set the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.

Why am I writing about Thanksgiving in the hot summer months? I hope you enjoy the spirit of gratitude with your children all year. Remember to teach about thanks and giving each day. There is always something to be thankful for.

My Philosophy on Parenting

Years before I had children, one of my beloved college professors and mentor told me something that molded my philosophy on childrearing. He said that my job as a parent will be to work myself out of a job.

That sounded harsh. But, I've learned it is the greatest gift to my children. I want them to be independent, have friends and a life.

In your daily discipline, ask yourself if your teaching also includes lessons on self-reliance so your kids will one day be able to get on in life without you.

Yes, you may want your kids to become beautiful butterflies but, the cocoon has got to go.

So what do you think? Feel free to leave your comment below! And remember to get your hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate internet radio show.

Discipline Builds Self-Esteem

Many parents tell me that they don't want their discipline to injure their child's self-esteem. I applaud parents for this sensitivity, however, consistent, respectful discipline BUILDS a child's self-esteem. It sends the message, "I love you enough to care."

What a relief when I learned that self-esteem and self-confidence are different. We teach self-esteem, but confidence comes from experience. Even people with healthy self-esteem occasionally lack confidence.

Teach your child that he/she is worth your discipline. You are being a good parent - and showing love - when you take time to teach your child appropriate behavior.

Remember, tune in to The Parent's Plate internet radio show every Tuesday at 10 am (EST). If you miss the live show, click on my host page and get this hour of empowerment on podcast or with a free subscription to The Parent's Plate on iTunes!

Right Idea, Wrong Question

In the grocery store one morning, I overheard a youngster continually droning, nagging, and complaining. Finally, his exasperated mom asked, "Do you want to be disciplined?"

What kid in his right mind would sit up and say, "Yes, please, put limits on me"? And why is the parent asking permission to do her job? She had the right idea - teaching her son socially controlled behavior - but asked the wrong question.

When you must adjust your child's behavior, just do it! There should be no warning, pleading, or asking, immediately confront and correct. Then move on.

How many times do we have the right idea, but sabotage or infuriate ourselves by asking the wrong question? Listen to yourself today; are you asking permission to discipline or do you just do it. What's your comment?
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Get your hour of empowerment every Tuesday morning on The Parent's Plate radio show! Join me and my guest to chat about issues crowding your parenting plate.

Have Fun with Negative Behavior

Happy July 1. Can't believe this summer is flying by so quickly. Here's something I was thinking about the other day.

My daughter Laura went through a stage where she’d pitifully whine that she was thirsty – as we were racing down a busy freeway with no visible exits. All my reasoning and pleading for her to be patient did little good. She continued in that annoying broken-record whiny voice, “Mom, I’m thirsty!”

After talking with a counselor friend of mine about Laura’s penchant for nagging me about something I couldn’t easily remedy, he suggested using humor to make my point.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Say something ridiculous to help her see the irrationality of her request,” he replied.

The next time my darling daughter and I were buckled in and cruising the freeway at top speed, she began her fingernail-down-the chalkboard voice, “I’m thirsty.”

I replied, “I’ll stop right here and pick a bottle of water off that bush.”

“Huh?” she asked in a suddenly mature voice.

“I can’t ease your thirst this very moment, Laura. You’re asking something impossible and I’m giving you an equally impossible solution.”

“Oh.”

This week when you’re confronting a discipline situation, try a little silliness to make your point. It might ease misbehavior and create a more pleasant climate.
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Join me and exciting guests every Tuesday morning for an hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate show.

Successful Parenting

One of my favorite parenting writers/speakers is Dr. Sal Severe. He’s doled out advice on Oprah (before Dr. Phil) and other noted media outlets.

Prior to my book's release, Sal published his book I still love and recommend How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! (Viking, $23.95). The title alone is something many educators would like to teach parents today.

One of the jewels in the book is a chapter on how successful parents behave. Listed are three promises every parent needs to make to become more successful:

1) Promise to have courage to be open and accept new ideas. If what you’re doing is working, says the author, stick with it. If not, have the courage to try something new.


2) Promise to have patience – plenty of patience. Your twelve-year-old kid has had twelve years to develop his behavior patterns. Give him time to change.


3) Promise to practice. The author says, “If you are willing to read about new ideas but not to practice them, give this book to someone else and buy a magic wand.”



Good parenting skills take time and practice. Thanks for stopping by my blog, you’ve shown me you’re open and accept new ideas. Patience and practice are your daily discipline assignments this week.

Parent UP!

"I don't want him to get mad at me."

"It's just not worth the fight."

I often hear these comments from parents who don't want to confront and correct their child's inappropriate behavior, or to enforce rules about a situation. They fear an outburst or drawn-out power struggle.

Guess what? You are the parent. You are the one controlling the situation. You are responsible for teaching your child. I respond to parents with this dose of reality, "deal with it now or deal with it later when it's a larger problem."

I understand the daily strain of raising kids. There were days when I wondered, "ugh, it it worth it?" Then I reminded myself, "I can take care of a small problem now or a big one later." I opted for the small problem.

Do you have a story of successful discipline with your child? Leave your comment here because it may encourage another reader!

Bullying Is Normal!

Does your kid tease others?
When is it just joking and jesting?
Is it OK for your child to chide classmates?

I remember watching my 6-month-old reach out and snatch a toy from her older sibling and then laugh when she screamed in response. Normal resentment and occasional anger felt by kids results in aggression. Kids seek to establish a dominant-submissive hierarchy. Calm, passive parents call my office frantic because their two-year-old pushes other children down. Teasing, picking on others, aggression IS a part of normal development!

It's normal, folks, but (before I get hostile comments) . . . and here's the big BUT; that doesn't mean you shrug your shoulders and say, "It's just kid behavior," or "Brenda says it's part of normal development" and let it slide. You must still step in and teach (discipline) appropriate behavior.

Accept that some aggressive behaviors are norm and keep a vigilant eye on your immature little darling. Be ready to intervene and teach simple conflict resolution whether your child is on the giving or receiving end.

My first daughter was emotionally tormented all through her first grade by a larger female classmate. I constantly reminded my daughter, "Practice your ignoring skills." I encouraged her to talk to the teacher. I rehearsed with her when to respond. I even tried the, "Try to make friends with her" talk. Somedays I resigned with, "Just toughen up!" It was a grueling year but, she learned some negotiation skills and gained new insights about herself. And, hopefully, I strengthened as a parent.

Sometimes parents are so exhausted they don't want to go to the "trouble" of supervising playgroups or sibling interaction. But, and here's another big BUT, don't let your exhaustion weaken your parental responsibility. Dr. Karl Menninger wisely observed, "What's done to children, they will do to society." Your precious little one grows up to either contribute to - or take from - society. What are you doing to teach your child about communication, conflict resolution, and compromise?

Believe me, I know child discipline is never-ending. But whether tots or teens, kids need adult guidance! For the sake of your happy homelife, your child, and of our society, I encourage you to remember the value and purpose of discipline . . . and just do it.

We can't cease all bullying - that'd be like stopping the wind from blowing - but we can do our best to model and teach how to get along with others. It's also important to coach the victims in developing inner fortitude.

Need more discipline help - or know someone who does? There are 8 effective methods on my 1-hour CD, "Creative Discipline." You can order it now for $12 at http://www.brendanixon.com (see right column for more info). It's easy listening for busy parents on the go.

The Only Perfect Parent

I like the glimpse of the only Perfect Parent, found in the Bible. The passage is in a book called Lamentations, chapter 3:

"The steadfast love of the Lord is never ending,
and His compassion never fails.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness."

Of course, none of us are perfect. We're human! But we have a divine description of what perfection does and we can apply that ideal to our discipline.

On the worst discipline days, ask yourself, is my love toward my child -- or the children I teach -- never ending? Do I offer compassion? Do I give second chances by beginning "new" every morning...or do I hold grudges? Can kids count on me to be stable and predictable in a healthy way?

Just something to think about...and strive toward.
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Remember your hour of empowerment every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate radio show with me, your host! Click the link and listen to the live show, or come back anytime and listed on podcast or iTunes!

Are You to Blame for Your Fat Kid?

Fatty, fatso, tub '0 lard, big hunk - those labels hurt!

Overweight kids face social discrimination and personal discomfort.

Got an obese child? Why are so many children today overweight? What's the most important thing you can do to help your obese kid?

Get answers to these questions and more on the June 1 episode of The Parent's Plate radio show. My guest, author and motivational speaker Julie Morris, reveals insights into childhood fatness and offers tips for solving the dangerous cycle!

After a life-long struggle with overeating and health problems, Julie discovered how to lose her harmful extra pounds -- and the worries that weighed her down. Get some help immediately at http://www.stepforwarddiet.com/ .

Go to The Parent's Plate and click on this show's podcast (at right). It is life-transforming.

"What does this have to do with daily discipline Brenda?," you ask. Discipline is about teaching. What are you teaching your child about healthy eating and exercise?

Need discipline help - or know someone who does? There are 8 effective methods to get kids to mind. My 1-hour CD, "Creative Discipline" is available now for $12 (incl S&H). Just send your $12 check or money order to me at PO Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050 and I'll get that out to you ASAP. It's easy listening for busy parents on the go.

Confronting a Kid’s Behavior

Often I see, hear, or talk to parents and childcare professionals who have a difficult time with discipline. They say that they don't want their kid mad at them, or a strong-willed simply kid wears them down.

Remember, kids need your help in knowing how to behave. Unless you confront a wrong behavior, the child doesn't recognize it as inappropriate. I understand how tiring and time consuming it is teaching kids - I'm a mom and have been a preschool teacher.

When I think of the tenacity good discipline demands, I'm reminded of a quote by Lt. Colonel Eugene Pigford of the Salvation Army, "Goodness does not roll over and play dead when it is confronted with evil."

Stand firm. Don't roll over and play dead when children need your correction for inappropriate behavior. What's your comment?

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Join me every Tuesday morning for an hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate show www.toginet.com/shows/theparentsplate. Our family "adopted" a former-Amish boy who is shunned by his community. Others have reached out to homeless kids from all walks of life, either temporary or for a lifetime; yet we deal with some of the same issues/challenges as parents who legally adopt a child. Non-Traditional Adoptions is our show theme today, August 31. It's a spectatular and unusual show; I'm sure you'll get tips, help, encouragement, and wisdom from my two guests!

Reasons for Misbehavior

“Why is he acting like that?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong!”
“What her problem?”

I frequently hear these questions in my work with parents. There are many reasons a child misbehaves. That’s what makes parenting so complex and perplexing.

When your kid acts-up, ask yourself, “What does my child need?” Perhaps her emotional tank is empty. She may simply need your full attention, confidence, support, or unconditional love.

When my daughters were young and we’d have one of “those” days, I found that 15 minutes of uninterrupted, one-on-one time with each, soothed and helped them feel more confident. The result? Better behavior.

Are your kids restless, over-stimulated, tired, hungry, lonely, angry, or living without boundaries? It’s a challenge to figure out why they do what they do. However, I encourage you to look behind the behavior and see if you can solve the “real” problem. That, too, is skillful discipline!

What's your comment?
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Get your hour of empowerment every Tuesday morning on The Parent's Plate radio show www.toginet.com/shows/theparentsplate