Father Facts: dads make a difference

You'll probably be your daughter’s first love and your son’s role model. Your daily interaction with your kids improves - research says - their physical health, IQ, independence, school success, and future relationships.

Evidence suggests that infants are able to make use of a father’s unique contribution to their growth and development. Men tend to encourage more exploration, risk taking, and assertiveness in children. The Mom versus Dad parenting differences also appear to be of great interest and benefit to children by creating a balance in their life. 

I encourage dads to step forward and make lasting impressions on their children by:

Parents Are Teachers

Thought I'd share one of my stories published in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book.

 

It was a crisp autumn night in a crowded school auditorium, and I was scheduled to speak to an audience of preschool parents on the topic of discipline. Prior to the start of the evening’s event, the program planner and I were talking privately.

“We have a large group here tonight,” she observed with a sparkle in her eye.

“It’s gratifying to see so many parents wanting to learn about effective discipline,” I replied.

“I hope we get to hear everything you have to say,” she whispered. ”Sometimes they start asking too many questions and the get the speaker off track.”

3 Big Mistakes Parents Make

Now if you read my blog much you know I'm positive and look for things parents do right. But sometimes I gotta say, there are some pretty powerful mistakes parents make. I don't think they intend to sabotage their parent/child relationship but any one of these three will...

Show Your Love All Year

We know that Valentines Day is a reminder to show affection towards those we love. Many parents use this special day to give an extra dose of love to their child. But there’s a multitude of easy, no-cost – yet profound – ways to send this powerful message every day throughout the year.
Why is it critical for your child to feel loved? Because self-esteem is taught, and you are the first and most influential teacher. Children who feel loved and valued by their parents become happier, healthier, and more productive adults.
From tots to teens, here are practical ways to show your love and build your child’s self-esteem. If your child is:

Scream, Shout and Yell, Oh My!

“Brenda, my kids never listens unless I yell at them.”

I frequently hear this comment in my work as a childrearing expert, speaker, and media guest. Parents want help and encouragement in their enormous task, and effective discipline is always at the top of their list.

Many parents say they can’t get their kids to mind until there's screaming. After I listen to a parent, I sometimes ask, “Why do you think you don't get a response until then?”

“Because that’s when they know I really mean it!”

How to be a Successful Parent ~

Imagine if you could hear kids' thoughts. What if your child was thinking, "I'm confused and insecure when you are unpredictable."

In discipline, children become confused when they hear a rule that is then unenforced or if Mom says one thing but Dad says the opposite. Kids get confused when one day something they do brings laughter but the next day they are scolded for it.

Kids need adults who say what they mean and mean what they say. They need loving, responsible adults who respond to them consistently, using the same words, the same expectations, and the same consequences! In my experience the happy, secure, better behaved kids are the ones who have parents and environments that are predictable.

Synonyms for dependable include: always there, constant, faithful, loyal, responsible, secure, stable, steadfast, steady, trustworthy, unfailing. Do these words apply to your daily discipline?

Remember, you can get a signed copy of my award-winning The Birth to Five Book by sending $12 to me at PO Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050 (USD and USA shipments only). Check out the picture and description of what you get in The Birth to Five Book at The Parent's Plate radio show.

Temperament and Your Child

Temperament is a fascinating subject. I love learning and talking about it to parents because it provides self-awareness; parents gain understanding of their personal behavior as well as their childrearing style.

Knowing about temperament also assists parents, educators, childcare professionals, counselors, therapists, and health care providers who can use this insight to improve understanding of and relationships with children.

Nine categories of temperament traits were identified by researchers Drs. Chess and Thomas.

1. Activity Level:
The general drive of motor activity. Is your child very busy and quick moving or does he have a more relaxed, sedate style?

2. Regularity (also called Rhythmicity):
The predictability of daily functions and how kids organize their behavior. Has your child achieved a biologic rhythm for behaviors such as eating, sleeping, using the toilet or is he unpredictable and random?

3. Approach/Withdrawal:
The initial response to new stimuli. Does he tend to hesitate and shy away from new people or things or is he outgoing, social, and excited by novelty?

4. Adaptability:
How easily a child adjusts to changes or transitions. Is your child a “creature of habit” who resists transition or one who readily “goes with the flow?”

in Control or Under Control?

To be successful in life, all children must learn appropriate ways to:

meet their needs,
relate to others,
express themselves,
restrain impulses,
channel emotions,
respond to frustration, and
make right and healthy choices.

Good discipline teaches a child to act appropriately - not because he/she is told to, but because he/she wants to. How do you motivate a child to self-control? One way is by allowing consequences to happen.

In The Birth to Five Book, I share a story about my Laura who was not being self-controlled about getting ready for school. One morning I told her that she must be dressed when her bus arrives or she'll have to dress on the bus. When the bus pulled up and tooted its horn, Laura was . . . almost dressed . . . she only needed her shoes and socks. I put those items in a bag and handed it to her so she could finish dressing on the bus. Did it make her uncomfortable? Um, yes. Did I feel like a mean mom? Right again. But it taught Laura that I meant what I said and to take responsibility for dressing every morning. Never again did Laura dawdle around in the morning. And I never again had to nag her, "get dressed" or "hurry up."

When children experience the consequence of their behavior, it makes an deep impact. It causes them to be accountable – “own” - their behavior. If the consequence is positive, they’re motivated to repeat the good behavior. If the consequence is negative (Laura dressing on the bus), they’ll likely choose different behavior next time. Children learn to be responsible and self-regulated when they are allowed to experience the consequence of their behavior.

Today - and everyday - your discipline goal is to:

teach your child to self-control.

You can do that by allowing consequences to happen. Eventually, you can rest assured that your child will act in appropriate ways even when he/she isn't under your control.

Notice the Negative but avoid Negative Thinking

"He stomps on the floor."
"She resists doing one simple chore!"
"He cries when he can’t have a toy."
"She's moody."

You’re not responsible for every random thought that pops in your head, only ones you entertain. To think, “That child is rude” may enter your mind and probably do little harm. Maybe she is being rude or selfish. You might have made an accurate observation of childhood behavior. But adding more to your observation, “And she’s such a BRAT,” or “I CAN'T that kid!” starts a cycle of negative thinking that impairs your skillful response.

To notice the floor is filthy may be a factual observation. To add, “Why is everyone here so lazy?” begins a negative thinking cycle interfering with your relationships and performance. Sweeping the floor clean is to take corrective action.

Likewise, noticing a child’s behavior is a certain way, is not negative thinking. But do you stew on that assessment? Do you label the child based on behavior? Do you harbor an attitude against her? Or do you stop your thought there and positively confront and correct the inappropriate behavior?

As a childcare professional or parent, it’s critical to know the distinction between a negative thought and negative thinking. You control your thinking. Don't let it control you and how you discipline.

The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available online http://is.gd/jaTZ or get signed copies by mailing me $12 per book (U.S. orders only) at: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050.
Finally, for fun facts follow me on twitter .

©Copyright 2011, Brenda Nixon.

The American Dream?

Today our pastor gave a terrific sermon about parenting. Part of it included an interesting challenge about God's Dream vs. the American Dream for your child. I want to adapt some of what he said.
Often in our parenting we think - or dream - about what our kids will become in life. Some parents are guilty of pushing their child to follow a particular profession. Some parents live vicariously through their child and push him/her into a certain career. Some dream the American dream of their child doing better, having more, and living higher than the parent. However, I think wise parents don't entertain the American dream but focus on character qualities - who our children become rather than what they do. Why? Because it teaches our kids that we love them whatever they choose to study or become.
So what are the inner qualities that can make your child successful regardless of the American dream career? How about these: determination, honesty, responsibility, self-control, thoughtfulness. |
Determination will keep your child motivated even in the face of difficulties or interruptions. Honesty will make your child one with integrity who others trust (plus able to live with his/her conscience). Responsibility will help your child behave the "right" way even when you (or school officials, police, the job's boss) aren't around to supervise & properly response-abled to life situations. Self-control will keep your child on task (like school work or a job) and a healthy role model to your grandchildren. Thoughtfulness will make your child think of others first to create a better world.
I remember my sister-in-law once told me, "I just want my kids to be good and kind." She entertained no aspirations for what they did in future careers because that wasn't as important to her as what her kids were. Guess what? Her first became a school teacher, her second is a CPA, and her third is a special education tutor. And each is polite and pleasant to be around!

Just think, as a parent, YOU have the ability to model character qualities so your child will learn them too. And that is good discipline!

Messages We Send

Months ago I tweeted about the words we say to children. Often we're innocent to the discouraging messages behind our words and, over time, those messages have a collective, disheartening effect on kids.

Consider these common (I've said 'em, too!) statements:

"Be Careful!" could send the message, "The world is a scary place."

"Shame on you!" could send the message, "Discourage yourself."

"Be nice" may be heard as, "You're not usually nice."

"Stop being so sensitive" can mean, "Don't express your emotions" or "Don't feel."

Here are positive - or encouraging - words that mean the same but send a different message:

Rather than "Be Careful!" say, "Take care of yourself."

Instead of, "Shame on you!" say, "I've made bad choices too."

Replace, "Be nice" with "Make sure your friends win too."

For "Stop being so sensitive" say, "I like that you're listening to your feelings."

None of these condone inappropriate behavior. But they do make your guidance more of a teaching tool.

In your daily discipline ~ reframe your words to send uplifting messages. You aren't diluting your authority, you're doing it with a powerful, positive attitude.

Remember, click on your pc to The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host! I'm on "live" every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) but you can hear ANY show ANYTIME by clicking Recent Shows on the right column at my host page.

Put 'Em to Bed!

Parenting isn't always convenient. There are times when we must do what is right and healthy for our children regardless of our own wishes.

Paula and Mike discovered this one night at a friend's house when their exhausted son, Jordan, threw a major fit. Pleading with her young son, Paula said, "Stop yelling and calm down Jordan." But he continued his ugly behavior. Embarrassed, Paula again tried to soothe Jordan, but he fell on the floor, kicked his legs and screamed louder. Other guests watched in frozen horror as Jordan lost control.

Finally Mike intervened with, "Jordan, you are tired. We need to go home." And that's what they did. Paula and Mike left their games, refreshments, and friends and headed for the door with a red-faced Jordan.

Did you know a tired child is less likely to mind? Skillful discipline is giving kids what they need. . .regardless of what you want.
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Get your hour of empowerment every Tuesday, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate radio show! All past shows are available on podcast and iTunes so you don't have to miss any information and affirmation to help you be the parent you want to be and your kids deserve.

Did You Hear Me?!

Off went the TV. She swung around and snapped, "Did you hear me?!" The little girl quietly looked up at her mom and asked, "What?"

Children often ignore - or don't hear - us talking to them. Many parents and childcare professionals tell me that their kids only listen when they want to. So, how do you discipline children who practice selective listening?

The secret is two-fold: Model Listening and Take Action

First, we must model to children listening behavior. Do you look into a child's face when he/she is talking to you or do just pretend to listen by saying the standard "uh hum" while doing work? If so, children pick up on this lesson and practice what they learn. My daughter, Laura, occasionally calls me out by saying, "Mom, you just asked me that question."

"Oh, guess I didn't listen to your answer."

Oops, I was guilty of selective listening. I encourage you to consider what you're teaching when you don't really listen to children's questions or comments.

Second, take action to get the children's full attention. Do you turn off the TV, whip away the iPod, or intercept a toy he/she is playing with? If not, you're allowing the ignoring behavior. And you end up repeating yourself to the point of nagging.

When either one of my daughters gave me the cold shoulder, I'd repeat myself using her name. (Hint: calling a child by name is an attention-getter.) Then I'd ask her to repeat me. "Oh Mom," she'd moan, "I heard you!" But at least if she could repeat what I just said, it reassured me my words were sinking in. Then if she disobeyed me, I knew I was dealing not with selective listening but, with outright defiance.

In your daily discipline, remember the powerful teacher you are! Every behavior you do around kids is their lesson - and kids are quick studies. You want them to listen to you? Then you listen when they talk to you. Do you think they are so distracted that they can't listen, then take action to insure you have their full attention.

Teaching about Thanksgiving

Discipline is about teaching. How are you disciplining your child(ren) the meaning and significance of Thanksgiving? In some homes, families gather around the table for fun dinnertime conversation -- and a little chaos. Some families spend the day passing out meals at a homeless shelter. My friend decided she and her family would spend the night in a Hilton Inn, enjoy a leisurely day together then hit the malls on Black Friday.

Whatever you do, I hope you remember the value of spending uninterrupted time with your children! It is YOU they look up to; you're on a pedestal. Your attitude and behaviors are picked up by your little, eager learners.

Did you know President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving as a national celebration to unite our country? In 1863 he forever set the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.

Why am I writing about Thanksgiving in the hot summer months? I hope you enjoy the spirit of gratitude with your children all year. Remember to teach about thanks and giving each day. There is always something to be thankful for.

My Philosophy on Parenting

Years before I had children, one of my beloved college professors and mentor told me something that molded my philosophy on childrearing. He said that my job as a parent will be to work myself out of a job.

That sounded harsh. But, I've learned it is the greatest gift to my children. I want them to be independent, have friends and a life.

In your daily discipline, ask yourself if your teaching also includes lessons on self-reliance so your kids will one day be able to get on in life without you.

Yes, you may want your kids to become beautiful butterflies but, the cocoon has got to go.

So what do you think? Feel free to leave your comment below! And remember to get your hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate internet radio show.

Discipline Builds Self-Esteem

Many parents tell me that they don't want their discipline to injure their child's self-esteem. I applaud parents for this sensitivity, however, consistent, respectful discipline BUILDS a child's self-esteem. It sends the message, "I love you enough to care."

What a relief when I learned that self-esteem and self-confidence are different. We teach self-esteem, but confidence comes from experience. Even people with healthy self-esteem occasionally lack confidence.

Teach your child that he/she is worth your discipline. You are being a good parent - and showing love - when you take time to teach your child appropriate behavior.

Remember, tune in to The Parent's Plate internet radio show every Tuesday at 10 am (EST). If you miss the live show, click on my host page and get this hour of empowerment on podcast or with a free subscription to The Parent's Plate on iTunes!

No, No, No, No, No!

"No, no, no, no, no!" she repeated to her child. I looked up from my grocery shopping list to see a frazzled mom in the store trying to correct her wayward-behaving child. I'm glad she was involved, attentive, and trying to discipline. Good mom!

BUT, the problem was . . .

Hearing an tsunami of "nos" dilutes discipline. When you constantly say "No," your child tunes you out; or as psychologists say, "A constant stimulus loses effect." So your discipline is meaningless and you get frustrated.

Whether tots or teens, kids need to know they're always loved - even if their behavior is not. But remember to discipline with positive and different words so your correction has effect. Hey, call my show this morning 877-864-4869 with your discipline story, question, or comment. I'll be waiting on The Parent's Plate internet radio show!

Successful Discipline

Last Spring, I spoke on discipline to parents at Baby Bonanza & Kids Expo in Columbus, Ohio. One thing I tried to impress on audiences was, "discipline isn't a 'me against you' fight but, one of teamwork." You are the teacher; your child is the learner.

When you confront inappropriate behaviors with this understanding, then you're on the right road to successful discipline!

To help you remember this definition, here are successful discipline tips:
Stay consistent - disasters arise when kids are given mixed messages
Be proactive - plan ahead how to constructively confront and correct a child's behavior
Balance rules with relationship - children need both
Adjust your method to age and development - what works on a 2 year old may not work on a 10 year old
Separate the doer from the deed - love the child, not the behavior.

Feel free to print out this list and stick it on your frig or filing cabinet as a reminder. And leave your comment. What's the one area of discipline you struggle with most?

Grandparents give The Birth to Five Book to their adult children, pastors give it at baby dedications, and hospitals gift a copy to new parents! Be creative in how you encourage parents with an infant, toddler or preschooler. My book is available in bookstores and online.
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Your hour of empowerment is Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate radio show with me, your host! Great guests, parenting insights, tips, and casual chat make this a powerful & valuable hour. Click on the link to listen on your computer or download the podcast or iTunes.

Good Discipline is Developmental

Skillful parents - and anyone who works with kids - know that discipline takes into account a child's developmental abilities. The best discipline is adapted to each child's age, needs, and abilities. For example,

Infants fuss and cry when their needs are unmet, want attention, and cannot share.
Toddlers are curiosity-driven, self-absorbed, and struggle for independence and power.
Preschoolers are fickle in friendships, have wild imaginations, want power, and try out new words.
Schoolagers are peer conscious, compare themselves to others, and competitive.
Teens are toddlers in bigger bodies.

To be successful in your daily discipline, I encourage you to consider the normal, albeit challenging, developmental behaviors of kids. Then adapt your expectations accordingly.
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Get your hour of empowerment every Tuesday morning, 10-11 am (EST) on The Parent's Plate radio show with me as your host. Great guests, fun, information and casual chat makes this a practical and valuable hour to help you be the parent you want to be.

Don't Ya Just Love 'Em?

I've been a preschool teacher and I'm a mom so I know there are days when it is a challenge to like what you do and the kids you're with! I've also learned that it's my attitude that can make or break my interaction with these impressionable ones. What do you like about living/working with kids? Rate the following aspects from 1 (your fave) to 10 (least liked). Cross out any that don’t apply to your situation.

_____ reminding them of their chores

_____ listening to their stories

_____ solving their problems

_____ seeing new skills or abilities

_____ holiday happenings

_____ picking up after them

_____ meeting their friends

_____ correcting misbehavior

_____ presents they give you

_____ school plays

_____ funny antedotes they provide

Discipline yourself to think on the terrific times you have with kids. It may put a positive spin on your attitude and actions, and get you happily through this day.

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Your hour of empowerment is The Parent's Plate radio show every Tuesday 10 am (EST). All past shows are available on podcast and iTunes so you don't have to miss any information and affirmation.