Father Facts: dads make a difference

You'll probably be your daughter’s first love and your son’s role model. Your daily interaction with your kids improves - research says - their physical health, IQ, independence, school success, and future relationships.

Evidence suggests that infants are able to make use of a father’s unique contribution to their growth and development. Men tend to encourage more exploration, risk taking, and assertiveness in children. The Mom versus Dad parenting differences also appear to be of great interest and benefit to children by creating a balance in their life. 

I encourage dads to step forward and make lasting impressions on their children by:

Parents Are Teachers

Thought I'd share one of my stories published in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book.

 

It was a crisp autumn night in a crowded school auditorium, and I was scheduled to speak to an audience of preschool parents on the topic of discipline. Prior to the start of the evening’s event, the program planner and I were talking privately.

“We have a large group here tonight,” she observed with a sparkle in her eye.

“It’s gratifying to see so many parents wanting to learn about effective discipline,” I replied.

“I hope we get to hear everything you have to say,” she whispered. ”Sometimes they start asking too many questions and the get the speaker off track.”

3 Big Mistakes Parents Make

Now if you read my blog much you know I'm positive and look for things parents do right. But sometimes I gotta say, there are some pretty powerful mistakes parents make. I don't think they intend to sabotage their parent/child relationship but any one of these three will...

Relief from Cabin Fever

 

I know, Spring is around the corner! But until it gets here, we still have frigid temps, wind chills, and some parts of the country are buried under snow. So when your kids are stuck indoors and bored, here are a few ideas to relieve their cabin fever; 

• Assemble an obstacle course
  Kids and empty boxes go together. Place some large empty boxes around the floor for your child to crawl in, on and through. Add more obstacles like a chair, step stool, soft pillows, large laundry baskets, etc. This is a terrific activity for using stored energy, motor skills and imagination.

Show Your Love All Year

We know that Valentines Day is a reminder to show affection towards those we love. Many parents use this special day to give an extra dose of love to their child. But there’s a multitude of easy, no-cost – yet profound – ways to send this powerful message every day throughout the year.
Why is it critical for your child to feel loved? Because self-esteem is taught, and you are the first and most influential teacher. Children who feel loved and valued by their parents become happier, healthier, and more productive adults.
From tots to teens, here are practical ways to show your love and build your child’s self-esteem. If your child is:

Let’s Look at Lent

            Remember when Jesus fasted 40-days in the wilderness? Matthew 4:1-11 and Luke 4:1-13 describe His period of self-imposed fasting and resistance to relentless temptation.

            Today, Lent is a 40-day season before Easter when we fast - or go without something significant – to help us identify with our Lord. We focus on self-denial and earthly inconvenience for 40-days although poverty, simplicity, and sacrifice were Jesus’ life. In the Church of the Nazarene and other evangelical denominations, Lent isn’t emphasized. But it need not be a mystery to us or our children.

Parent or School - Who Rules?

            Imagine yourself as a ten-year-old blissfully walking to school; kicking pebbles as you go, listening to the birds, thinking about recess, kickball, and what’s in your lunch. Then, invading your world booms the authoritative voice of the school counselor, “Ejaculation can happen during sexual intercourse, when the penis is inside the woman’s vagina. It can also happen while a boy is sleeping. This is called a nocturnal emission or ‘wet dream.’”

          Explicit? Yes! Make you a bit uncomfortable? Perhaps. How do you think it makes a 10-year old feel? This quote is from a curriculum given to children in a coeducation class at Boone Elementary - my daughter’s public school in KC, Missouri. It was told to Laura, then 10, without her having inquired and without my knowledge or consent.

Scream, Shout and Yell, Oh My!

“Brenda, my kids never listens unless I yell at them.”

I frequently hear this comment in my work as a childrearing expert, speaker, and media guest. Parents want help and encouragement in their enormous task, and effective discipline is always at the top of their list.

Many parents say they can’t get their kids to mind until there's screaming. After I listen to a parent, I sometimes ask, “Why do you think you don't get a response until then?”

“Because that’s when they know I really mean it!”

Grieving Child needs a Parent's Tender Guidance

The senseless, evil Connecticut shootings have parents asking, "How do I help my child grieve?" Remember these 2 general rules:

1) Children grieve differently than adults and

2) They'll struggle with grief both now and in the future.

I was contacted after the tragic Columbine shootings years ago; now I'm being asked to offer ways to help parents guide their children through this sudden grief.

The Newtown kindergartners probably don't yet "get" death - they can't fathom its permanency. Young children may think dead people continue to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom in Heaven.

Many children will exhibit their stress, confusion, and grief through behaviors such as:

Gratitude is Caught

This semester, I'm teaching Parenting and Family Decisions at a university. The class is great; it meets early in the morning (I'm a morning person), the students take copious notes and contribute to the discussion (makes teaching easier), and we've taken field trips and enjoyed guest speakers (adds variety).
Well, we're nearing semester's end and moving into the busy holiday season. Thanksgiving is around

How to be a Successful Parent ~

Imagine if you could hear kids' thoughts. What if your child was thinking, "I'm confused and insecure when you are unpredictable."

In discipline, children become confused when they hear a rule that is then unenforced or if Mom says one thing but Dad says the opposite. Kids get confused when one day something they do brings laughter but the next day they are scolded for it.

Kids need adults who say what they mean and mean what they say. They need loving, responsible adults who respond to them consistently, using the same words, the same expectations, and the same consequences! In my experience the happy, secure, better behaved kids are the ones who have parents and environments that are predictable.

Synonyms for dependable include: always there, constant, faithful, loyal, responsible, secure, stable, steadfast, steady, trustworthy, unfailing. Do these words apply to your daily discipline?

Remember, you can get a signed copy of my award-winning The Birth to Five Book by sending $12 to me at PO Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050 (USD and USA shipments only). Check out the picture and description of what you get in The Birth to Five Book at The Parent's Plate radio show.

Problem Behavior . . . or Food?

Ever wonder why kids act the way they do? Often it's their temperament, sometimes it's our parenting style, and occasionally it's the food they eat.

Got a tot who seems fidgety? It may be too much red food coloring or sugar in his system. Traces of these additives are everywhere, even in margarine and toothpaste! Manufacturers put a red coloring into margarine to change it from drab white to eye appealing yellow. Sweeteners are put in most toothpastes. Read ingredients listed on the package and try to decrease these non-nutritives from food

Are You a Good Parent?

Do your children know what a good parent is? Most of us have kids who - at times - declare we’re the "worst in the world!" Haha, 've been accused. Occasionally we mumble it to ourselves. Guilty here, too.

My Sunday school class kicked around this topic one morning. A mom confided, “I don’t want my son hanging around that house because I don’t think they’re good parents.”

“Tell your son,” replied another parent.

“He might think I’m criticizing if I say anything about them.”

“Do you say nothing?” wondered one dad.

“But I don’t want to sound like I am perfect,” another joined in.

“We’re afraid of putting other parents down,” echoed some.

“Wait a minute,” I challenged, “It is our job to teach our kids what a good parent is!”

C'mon people, how will our children learn good parenting unless it is modeled and defined? “In the grocery store I show my girls how to pick a ripe melon, what’s a good source of vitamins, to recognize fresh meat,” I continued, “Likewise, it’s my responsibility to teach them to identify a good parent.” This does not mean others are put down, rather it means I help my children learn discernment.

When Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd,” He wasn’t bragging. He was defining. Why? He wanted His followers to spot the model. Because? They would meet many “shepherds” in life and they'd become shepherds themselves. The Good Shepherd educated his flock. Should we do less? He also intended to equip them for their future task. As must we. Jesus clarified, “…the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep,” (John 10:11, AKJV) adding that hired shepherds don’t really love the flock. They’ll run away when predators come, Jesus maintained. Is this a put-down? No. It’s a distinctive difference.

This scripture overflows with lessons. Let’s be students of the Master Teacher. To apply this in the home we can teach our disappointed youngster with, “A good parent says ‘No’ sometimes.” To a frazzled, whining preschooler comment, “Good parents don’t respond when kids whine, use your big boy voice.” Or the ever popular, “Because good parents teach kids to daily brush their teeth.” My husband’s favorite is, “Good dads want to meet the guy their daughter dates.” When my teen challenges me, “Why do you have to know everything, Mom?” She hears, “Because good moms ask where their kid is going, who’s driving, and what’s the plan.”

Of course Jesus’ instruction provoked the Jewish ranks who called Him crazy. So we are not surprised when our - like most typical - kids argue with us. “Oh!” groans my daughter after I’ve said, “Good parents care about which movie you see.” These statements define without criticizing. Let’s tutor our kids in the profession of parenting.

I want my children to recognize qualities of a good parent just as I want them to recognize good food, friendships, decisions, interviews, a career, and life’s mate. It is my prayer that my girls will become parents with conviction and confidence.

They, like us, will not be perfect parents. But by our efforts, and God’s help, they will know how to be good ones. Well, those are my thoughts. What are yours? Feel free to write a comment below or simply click one of the boxes.

Disciplining Other Kids

How many times do you wish you could say something to a misbehaving child in your home, at the store, doctor's office, or in the mall?

It's difficult to meet the challenge because (1) the parent may get angry with you or (2) the disrespectful child may holler back, "I don't have to mind you."

People repeat that adage, "It takes a village to raise a child" but a rare few want to take on the responsibility of correcting inappropriate behavior of other people's kids.

Personally, I think there are times when other adults must get involved. Especially when a child is acting inappropriate and the parent doesn't have a clue or is absent. It could be a safety issue.

I've been the parent whose kid was acting up (yes!) but I didn't know. Then when a parent came to me with an explanation and told me why they corrected my kid, I thanked them. My eyes cannot be everywhere. So what do YOU think? Get involved or not? Leave your comment and let's start a lively discussion.

Happy New Year

It's almost here! Thanks for reading my blog. You’re welcome to share it via Twitter, Facebook, or forward to someone who may benefit from it too. This year, I hope you'll encourage soon-to-be or new parents with a gift copy of The Birth to Five Book, available online at http://bit.ly/6KMItC or get signed copies from me. To receive a signed copy mail $12 (incl S&H) to me at: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Hurry, this offer ends at the end of January.

Now, what's your New Year discipline resolution?

Not screaming.

More patience.

Set boundaries . . . and keep 'em!

Teach self-controlled behaviors.

Get my kid toilet trained.

Make 'em listen to me.

Show that I love them even if they think I'm mean.

Move my teen out of the house.

Does one of the above fit your discipline goal for the new year or do you have your own?

When I was a new mom, one of my parenting goals was to practice discipline with an instructive attitude. I didn't adopt the attitude that my kids were in a me-against-you war. Rather I tried to maintain the attitude that they needed my help to know right from wrong, how to gain satisfaction in appropriate ways, and how to succeed in life through appropriate talk and behavior.

Have you thought about your goal in discipline? I'd love to hear it. Leave your comment below and tell me what you'll strive for in the coming year.

©Copyright, 2011, Brenda Nixon. The Birth to Five Book available Amazon.com. Follow my work and life in 140 characters on Twitter.

Model What You Want

Everyday you teach - sometimes in words but, more often in your behavior. For example, when kids see you read a book, they learn that you value literacy. Likewise, when they see your patience with a painfully slow sales clerk, they learn tolerance.

Nearly 80% of what children learn is from what they see acted out before their eyes - they're visual learners!
Want generous kids? Give help/money to people.
Want your kids to respect the teacher? Show respect him/her.
Want your kids to listen to you? Listen to them.

In your daily discipline remember, actions really do "speak" louder than words.

My friend bought a copy of The Birth to Five Book for her niece who had her first baby. A mom read one of my online articles and ordered a copy. I signed a gave one to a couple having their first baby. Do you need a long-lasting Baby Shower gift or want empowerment on raising your toddler or preschooler? Get The Birth to Five Book, available on Amazon http://is.gd/jaTZ or order signed copies from me. To get a signed book, mail $12* (incl S&H) to me at: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050. Hurry, this offer ends on January 30, 2012.

©Copyright, 2011 Brenda Nixon.
*U.S. orders only. Sorry, I can't ship international.

Random Discipline Thoughts

My office receives many emails & phone calls about discipline - it's a hot, continuous issue with parents! Over the years I've answered so many questions that I've a 1-hr CD called "Creative Discipline" available.

Here, I want to share random thoughts on discipline. So whether you're reading this as a grandparent, a childcare provider, social worker, or a parent, let one of these thoughts inspire you this week:

Kids gone wild? How do you teach a child to be self-controlled? My answer, be in charge of yourself and model how to behave. When kids see you control your emotions during frustrating times, they learn that skill too.

Want to raise responsible kids? Model personal responsibility. Let your children hear you say, "That's my job," or "That's what I must do." Without responsibility, kids gradually lose self-respect. When my daughters were young, the older one used to tattle, "Mom, Laura is _________ (fill in the blank)." I'd gently remind her, "It's my job to parent Laura, I'll take care of it my way." Kids need a parent who is their ally. Even when they are acting the most unlovable, try to understand them and show you love them in spite of their difficult behavior.

How do you be a hero to kids? Model integrity. Also read lots of good ole fashioned fairy tales. Why? Fairy tales provided examples of heroes and values.

You Want me to Discipline You?

In the grocery store, I overheard a frazzled mom ask her kid, "You want me to discipline you?"

Well duh, I thought, like any kid is gonna say, "Sure, Mom, bring it on! Curtail my behavior. Thwart my agenda."

I wonder how many times we waste words when frustrated. Like how many times have you heard...or uttered..."I'm gonna put you out here along the roadside" or "I'll slap that smirk off your face." One of my friends had the habit of shouting, "I'll knock you into the middle of next week."

"You can raise yourself - I quit."

I've probably said many meaningless expressions in moments of childrearing mayhem. Even though we chuckle about it, kids learn quickly when parents or teachers say idle, unenforceable threats. Plus it's a waste of our energy. It's better to channel our energy into meaningful and enforceable discipline.

Today, I encourage you to be mindful of what you say when confronting misbehavior.

Share a discipline story, funny meaningless phrase, or ask me a discipline question any Tuesday morning on my radio show, The Parent’s Plate 877-864-4869.

Remember, The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available at Amazon http://is.gd/jaTZ or you can buy signed copies from me, $12/book, by mailing your order/payment: P.O. Box 1302 | Mount Vernon, OH 43050 (U.S. only).

And keep up with me on Twitter.

©Copyright 2011, Brenda Nixon.

Discipline or De-Stress?

My colleague, Michele Borba who regularly gives advice on the TODAY SHOW, wrote on her blog, "This week the American Psychological Association (APA) released troubling survey results about our kids. The Stress in America, 2009 survey was of 1206 young people ages eight to seventeen as well as 1568 adults. It was conducted this summer by Harris Interactive. The report, building on past research, revealed that stress is a top health concern for American teens between 9th and 12th grade.

Among key findings: parents underestimated the level of their kids stress. Translation: Our kids are much more stressed than we think. (I say, Yikes!)

• 31% of parents say their child has little or no stress vs. 9% of kids report little or no stress
• Tweens (30 percent) and teens (42 percent) say they get headaches vs. 13 percent of parents
• Tweens (39 percent) and teens (49 percent) cite difficulty sleeping vs. 13 percent of parents
• Tweens (27 percent) and teens (39 percent) report eating too much or too little vs. 8 percent of parents

What's more, tweens and teens were far more likely than their parents to report that their stress levels had increased in the last year."

Thanks Michele. To piggy-back on her post, I want to alert you that kids will act out stress through sleep disturbance, aggressive, infantile or regressive behaviors like bed-wetting and thumb-sucking. The frequency and intensity of these behaviors, suggest the stress intensity.

In daily discipline -- look behind a child's behavior. Could it be he needs destressed rather than disciplined? How can you calm the environment, create structure where there is none, sweeten your response, be available for counsel, inject humor, or model how to cope with stress? Often kids don't need more discipline, they need destressed.

Hey, remember to get your hour of empowerment on The Parent's Plate internet radio show with me, your host. I'm on live every Tuesday morning at 10 am (EST) but if you must miss a live show, click on "Recent Shows" in the right column to hear any topic of interest.

I Like It!

"Brenda, how do I get my kids to mind?"

"Welcome to the club. All kids push the envelop. But, more important, sometimes they aren't sure what it is you want from them or how to please you."

It's helpful - and clear - to make children aware of how you feel when you want them to do something. For example, "I want you to pick up the trash." Leave responsibility for behavioral change with them and see what happens. Often they'll obey because they know exactly what you want from your "I message."

Likewise, you can say something like, "I like it when you chew with your mouth closed." Here, you've clearly expressed what makes you happy (and kids usually want to please parents or their caregiver) in a positive discipline technique. A proper "I message" identifies: the behavior - such as chewing - how it makes you feel - happy.

With young children, keep your "I message" short and simple, "I want you to ...." With teens, you can expand with something like, "When your music is on that loud I get upset because I can't hear who I'm talking to on the phone." Rather lengthy, but it clearly identifies the problematic behavior and how it impacts you. Again, leave responsibility for behavior change with them.

In your daily discipline, I encourage you to be precise and clear when correcting behavior. After all, I like it when you practice positive discipline because it makes me feel I'm building stronger families. *grins* Hey, remember to get your hour of empowerment by listening to my show, The Parent's Plate on your computer. Just click http://www.toginet.com/shows/theparentsplate. You can hear ANY show topic by clicking on Recent Shows (on right column).